leavin on a jet plane...

tomorrow morning at the obnoxiously early hour of 6:35 i will be on my way to chicago (hopefully, as long as the weather isn't bad, prayers pease!). i cannot WAIT!!!

indycc/project reunion, here i come! :)

glory to God in the highest!

"And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn."

Luke 2:7

i know i fail at posting. it's been a very long time. honestly. i've been so busy and so consumed in my own life and problems that i drifted from my Father for some time. but i'm back. and it feels so good.

tonight i read the Christmas story from the Bible to my mom. the amazing part was that she asked me to. God is amazing. and i love him so much.

reading the story made me realize how much i take God's love for me for granted. he sacraficed his only son to come and save me and the world from our sins, and i can't even manage to give him a few moments of my time daily. i am a horrible daughter. i am selfish. i am stubborn. i am self centered. and i am forgiven.

God sent Jesus to save me from all of my spiritual disabilities. he loves me, and the world so much, that it's hard for me to grasp most of the time. it such a big love that it should be hard for me to disregard it, yet i so easliy throw it away so many times.

this Christmas is my first real Christmas as a full believer in Christ. he is love. and i need to learn to accept it.

Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Jesus! <3

unfathomable grace

my entries lately have had the theme of grace. that's because my devotional is all about God's grace. it's amazing to me how i read about it daily, yet i struggle to apply God's grace to others in my life. i think i've become a bit cynical towards people in my life and towards my school. part of it i blame on senioritis. and the other part i blame on my own selfishness and inability to love others the way i should. i need to be more loving. and i need to care more. i can't be so apathetic in life. i've been so self-centered lately that i haven't stopped to look around and see how others around me are hurting or need to be loved. i need to get my head out of my own world and tune in to the real world. everyone deserves to be loved. and God's grace extends to everyone.

this weekend was good. i went camping on friday-saturday and went to a halloween party on saturday night. i went as ms. pacman. :) i love halloween and fall. i'm also so excited to see my family. they're coming down this weekend. i haven't seen them since august.

God's grace knows no boundaries. it can flow through prison bars and over church pews. it covers those in cancer wards and school yards. it softens the hearts of the runaways and the throwaways and calls to those who refuse to join in the celebration too. it is love. God's grace is love-felt. it is the outstretched arms of God that catch us when we fall. if we tried to write about it for the rest of our lives, the world would run out of ink.
~Sheila Walsh

new ink

i went with becky today to get a tattoo! it's kind of hard to see but it's the word faith with a dove in white ink. it hurt more than i thought it would, but i love it! i can't wait till it's all healed.

God's photo album of grace

"What is the Bible if it isn't God's photo album? It's a book full of our heritage, with pictures of the infinite love, mercy, favor, and goodwill shown to humankind by God. So often we just reduce the Bible to some set of principles, or we focus only on its doctrine--but it's a beautiful album featuring living pictures of God's grace."
~Nicole Johnson

grace that knows no limits

my books from amazon came today. i bought myself two devotionals and the book faith is not a feeling. abby told me to buy it after my little freak out about interning. so i did. the devotional that i'm going through now is called infinite grace. obviously i've only done the first one, but i like it so far. i like that it's all about grace, because i feel like God's grace is something that i forget about so easily.

i think i'm going to start to get involved in the bridges movement that is building here. i'm excited about it. this summer made me realize that i have a heart for international students. i can't wait to see what God does with it.

food for thought: God's boundless grace has no room for prejudice. every man, woman, and child is made and loved by God. he sees no distinction between races and colors, wealth and poverty, the cultured and the coarse. i see no greater challenge extended to the church today than this: to share the boundless grace of God that knows no limits to everyone we meet.
~ Sheila Walsh

wake up.

proverbs 16:3- commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. (thanks becky <3 )

lately that's been really hard to do. in my last post i thought that i had finally figured out what the Lord wanted me to do with my life and my future. now i'm not so sure. i feel like all of these other options are being thrown at me and i don't know what to do with them. my one friend told me about mission year which is working in inner cities (like Chicago) for a year, and you can even get a master's degree through the program, which essentially, i want to go to grad school and obtain a master's degree. but then there's the possibility that i can get a job here at high point working for the school. i'm not sure that working for the school is what i really want, but i'd be getting paid, possibly have health benefits, plus the cost of housing is cheap and affordable. it would be a nice job to save up some money for if i do want to move away to grad school.

i'm still going to apply to intern with cru because i still believe that God was/is calling me to that. but now i guess i'm seriously considering other options. i'm just going to apply and see where i should go from there. who knows. i may not even get accepted, then i'll know for sure that that's not what God wanted for me.

God has really been challenging me this week. everything from phi mu stuff to just my workload for class. it's been exhausting and frustrating. i got to talk to jess on the phone though which was awesome and so encouraging. we're both kind of in the same spot in ways, so it was nice to talk it out with her. i miss her and my roommates a lot.

i'm so ready for fall break. and the road trip to iu. :)

say it to me now...

if you would have asked me to predict where i'd be in my life this time last year my answer would be totally different from the life i'm living now. i'm not talking about if i'd see myself back at school or anything like that. i mean predict my life emotionally, spiritually, relationally.

i can't believe the person that i've become, and i mean that in a good way. last year at this time i wasn't sure what i thought about religion let alone God. i would have laughed in your face if you would have told me that i would go on a summer project and laugh even harder if you told me that it was quite possible that interning with Cru was part of God's plan for my life.

but here i am. post-project a senior in college and seriously considering what God wants for me and for my future. i have a strong feeling that he wants me to intern for a year. initially the thought absolutely terrifies me and quite frankly pisses me off. i never wanted to join staff. i'm not even that involved with cru here at high point. why the crap does God want me to join this ministry? i have no idea honestly, but looking back on it, he hasn't steered me wrong yet.

actually i've been quite blessed. the Lord has surrounded me with people who care about me even if i fail to see it at times. people who push me to do the things that i don't want to, but that God wants me to. people who believe in me and encourage me when i'm doubting. he sent me on summer project, which was the best experience of my life so far. so why wouldn't i want to follow his plan for my life? it's only been good so far!

i've been blessed with an awesome church and support through that. my college pastors, bruce and becky, are hands down the most awesome couple i've ever met. i love that they've been able to guide me on my walk with the Lord and i'm so thankful to have something like that in my life.

i started my application to intern for cru today. it's going to be hard. it's a long application that asks hard questions. i've decided that i'm not going to freak out about applying because i'm just applying. i don't even know if i'll get accepted. i'm also going to apply to different things and just see what God does with them.

i don't think i'm as scared of my future as i have been....well...at least for now.

i am free to dance

oh man. this weekend was so good. and i'm so glad because i was in a slump.

so today at church we took communion. before we did pastor alan gave us some time for personal reflection/confession. wow. did God give me a wake up call. i'm not an emotional person...AT ALL...but God's crazy and doesn't care about that, not gonna lie, i was a little teary eyed. yeah, thanks God. he definitely made me realize things about myself that i'd forgotten or have been trying to ignore.

i haven't really been fair to God. i've been narrowing his greatness. i keep lingering on summer project and everything that i learned there. the Lord taught me so much this summer, but i've been acting as if project was the only place for me to learn lessons from him, which is wrong. no doubt that i was smacked in the face day after day with lessons on project because of the awesome atmosphere i was in, but that's not the only place or way for God to work in my life. i don't think i've been allowing him to work in me since being back at school, which is bad. mentally i've been limiting him. what was the point of going on project and learning all that i did if i'm not going to apply it here and allow God to grow me even more?

i also haven't been very open to allowing God to take control of my future. i say that i have, but really i haven't. and when he does present me with an option i freak out and say that it's not what i want. who cares if it's what i want! it's not about me, it's about him and his plan for my life!

i've been stupid and selfish. i feel like instead of sharing God's love i've been hoarding it to myself, but not even so that i can feel it. it's as if i've locked it away in a little safe, not for me, not for anyone. i need to get over it. i realized that today.

ha.

God has a funny sense of humor. ha. ha. ha.

i met with abby today.





i think i'm being called to intern with cru. ha.

you know that i could use somebody...

God is so good. for some reason i've been forgetting that. stupid me, i know.

small group started this week, which i'm really excited about. i've missed it. i've missed having community, and i'm excited about everyone who's in my group. it's going to be an awesome semester.

tonight i met with kelsey for coffee. she went on summer project too, in san diego. we're both discipled by the same person and she's been badgering us to meet and hang out because we've both just been having a hard time adjusting to being back at school after our experiences this summer. it was so good. it was nice to be able to just talk about project and not have to worry about upsetting someone. she understood everything that i was saying because she experienced it herself this summer. God definitely answered prayer through her. i needed tonight. like a lot.

i don't know what's going on with me. i feel so disconnected here at school. i'm so busy with phi mu, sga, peer mentor, ambassador, and work that i feel like i don't have time to have actual conversations with people. which i miss. i miss coming home from work and having my roommates ask me how my day was. i miss having them hold me accountable to spend time with the Lord and in the Word. and i just miss the community of project so much.

part of me feels like i'm the only one. not gonna lie, the cru movement here isn't the greatest thing. it actually kind of fails compared to this summer. i know that i shouldn't compare, but i can't help it. i want to be more involved in cru here, but it's hard. there's something lacking, i just don't know what, and i don't know how to make it better. i feel like our movement lacks relationship, and that's kind of hard to fix.

my life needs direction, which i'm hoping comes soon because i'm getting anxious. i've been looking more seriously into different grad schools and their programs and leah told me about this program called city year. i could spend a year in chicago working as a tutor or programmer for after school things. it has potential. but there's always that idea of joining staff just nagging in the back of my head. i really hope with my whole being that that's not what God is calling me to....i guess we'll see.

the world i know

abby came over on thursday to hang out for a bit. it was nice to talk to her about project and everything that's been going on since then. she told me that i'll grow more in the next six months than i did my whole summer on project. i'm beginning to think that it's going to be a painful growing experience.

i don't know how i'm feeling. my heart hurts for the students here. for their need to get completely obliterated every night because that's what they think college is about. my heart hurts because that's what i used to think. that's how i used to be. there have been so many ambulances on campus this weekend just because of people being too drunk and getting sick. honestly initially it disgusts me. but then it makes me sad. i want everyone to learn everything that i learned this summer. i want them to turn to God to find satisfaction, not alcohol, or boys, or other empty things.

and the guys here make me so angry! some of the things that they yell to girls or i over hear them saying. ahh! no wonder girls here act like they do if they think that's all that they're worth. it's so depressing.

it's hard to experience something amazing and then come back to something not so amazing. plus i have so much stinking homework already. this semester's going to be tough.

however i did go bowling and to cook-out with cru on wednesday and met two freshmen girls who are super sweet. it was cool to get to know them and they're going to church with me and a few of my friends tomorrow. it made me happy because it reminded me of doing outreach at uic this summer, but it's even cooler because i can actually truly follow through with them here at my campus. it's not just hey! okay peace bye. i can actually build a relationship with these girls. and it's crazy because i never thought that that would be something that i would be excited about.

abby told me that i should read the book of john with this one question in mind: "is he who he claims to be?" her passion for Jesus truly inspires me.

on a completely random side note: owl city is coming to play in carrboro on sept. 11. i've recruited people and i'm totally going. :)

i'm a senior? when did that happen?!

wow. so i'm back in high point and had my first day of classes. as a senior. craziness!

being back in high point has been hard. campus has changed so much and there are SO many freshmen! 1,030! there were only like 500 something in my incoming class. the school is just growing so fast, it's overwhelming. the new buildings are awesome, don't get me wrong. but i just feel like they could be investing their money different and better ways. everything is so lavish and so unnecessary. and then i hear students complaining about things and it just makes me mad...we're so spoiled here!

it's also been hard to get back into my leadership positions with a full heart. i guess compared to what i was doing this summer i just feel like i'm wasting my time. when it comes down to it, for eternity, God's not going to care if i gave a good tour or if i was on ec for student government. he's going to care about how many lives i've impacted. i know that i can still impact lives through the organizations that i'm involved in. and thinking about it i feel like God has placed me there to impact people, it's just a hard to get in that mindset.

i'm upset with myself and how negative i've been lately. i'm was so used to the positive and encourgaging envrionment of project, that being back at school has been hard for my attitude. i can feel myself slipping back into the person i was before this summer. i hate that. i know that i changed this summer, and it was a good change. but i feel like it's been hard for me to maintain those changes in myself, and that makes me sad. i want to be the person i was this summer, but it's hard coming back to people who expect you to be the same person and knowing that i'm not.

it's also hard because all i talk about is chicago and project and everything i learned. i know that i'm upsetting some of my friends because they feel like i don't love them anymore. which isn't true at all. it's just that i experienced something absoutley amazing this summer, which changed me, and changed my perspective on life. it's hard to help them to understand that i'm different. i want different things. i think differently. i am changed.

it is good to see everyone again. seeing them helps me to realize that i did miss them. i'm also excited to be a senior and just the experience that that is going to be. and i love my apartment. i love my roommates. i'm not worried about the envrionment of my apartment. just everywhere else.

i'm kind of anxious about getting more invovled in cru here. tomorrow night they're going bowling and then to cook-out afterwards, and i was invited to go. but i'm kind of nervous about it. i've never been really connected to cru here or anyone involved in it really aside from like 2 or 3 people. i would just show up at meetings. i'm excited to apply what i learned this summer here at high point. on my campus. i was so excited about the campuses in chicago. i want to be as excited about high point!

on a total random note: i really want a tattoo. i've been thinking about it non-stop since i've gotten back to school, and i've wanted a tattoo for the longest time. actually since freshman year. i just might follow through and finally get one! :)

are you 18?

low of today: (if you even want to consider it a low) i went into the local convenience store for my mom, she wanted lottery tickets, and the cashier carded me.

her: "are you 18?"
me: "huh?"
her: "you know you have to be 18 to buy lottery tickets, right?"
me: "uh, yeah. i'm 21."
her: "okay. can i see your id?"

it was actually kind of amusing. i'm a senior in college, and i was getting asked if i was old enough to buy lottery tickets. ha.

oh. also i have to pack for school. i leave wednesday. i hate packing. hate hate hate it.

highs of today:

i got my web cam in the mail! :) which means that i can skype with all of the lovely project people that i miss so much!

i got a hair cut, it was desperately needed.

i started reading the book of jeremiah today. i didn't get very far because i had to get my mom from work, but i like it. i'm excited to read further into it. i really enjoy how the old testament is written. it's really beautiful. i'm always amazed to find myself enjoying reading the bible. i guess i'm still not used to finding pleasure in it.

god is good. and even though i feel like i'm in a slump, he's always here for me. i just need to remember that.

just give it time...

my roomies. i miss them. a lot.

Just give it time
It's gonna get better
Now is not forever at all
Just give it time
Everything changes
Tomorrow comes today will be gone
Everything's gonna be fine
Just give it time, give it time

i have developed a new found love for jon mclaughlin. he's so talented.

so i've been home for five days. honestly i don't know how it's been. there have been highs. and there have been lows. i worked on wednesday and thursday and those were probably the worst two days. mainly because i hate my job. with an extreme passion. but i needed money. so i worked. but also because my job is extremely boring so i usually just get lost inside my head. which is bad. so i was working and thinking about chicago and just getting depressed.

it honestly amazes me how close i got to everyone and how quickly it happened. i know that i've said it before, but it honestly just shocks me. they really are family to me. craziness.

it's weird to be home with other friends. i went out with a few friends the other night and it just felt so empty. our conversation was so lacking. i didn't care about what they were talking about. i just wanted to talk about chicago and the awesome things that God is doing. but they didn't want to talk about that. which just made me even more depressed.

my favorite watch broke yesterday. the watch that i wore all summer and now have a sweet tan line from. yep. it broke. as pathetic as it sounds, my watch breaking just about triggered an emotional break down. i started yelling. my mom started yelling. it was a mess. all over a stupid watch. sad. i know.

i know it's going to be better when i go back to school. it's just waiting to go back that's the sucky part. as well as packing. i hate packing. especially when i have to unpack only to repack. lame.

this post is kind of depressing. i promise i'm not that depressed.

good news time: my web cam is on the way. i found my thirsty devotional (i thought i left it in chicago). i got a new watch (even though i thought i didn't want one, the new one's pretty nice). invisible children called me and they want to do a screening at my school. super cool right?! i just have to figure out the logistics. like staying at school for fall break and where to host it and everything. but i'm really excited! i love the invisible children organization! and i got to see my grandfather today. i like him a lot. he makes me smile and laugh.

okay. long post. ending now.

Send To Phone

my heart hurts

so project is over. i kinda failed at keeping this blog up as well as i had hoped, but if you want to know more, just ask me, i would be SO more than willing to tell you about my summer.

i can't believe how fast project went. it's so crazy to me. i also can't believe how close i got to everyone there. 31 other students from all over know more about me than i typically would be comfortable with. but somehow i'm okay with that.

i have learned SO much over this summer. honestly. best summer of my life. what's funny to me is that i was so scared to go. i didn't want to go. i considered backing out so many times. but i'm so thankful that God put it in my heart to go, i'm such a different person from it. and i'm so glad.

i've learned so many things from the 31 other amazing students on project with me. i got to see what a true community living for Christ looks like. awesomeness. the other women there showed me love and relationship beyond my imagination and the guys...well let's just say they've set the bar and expectation SUPER high. i'm so thankful. so utterly and absoutley thankful for all of them.

the first few days home have been okay i guess, except for the nagging ache in my heart. it's just hard to think that all of us are never going to be together in chicago the same way that we were this summer. i can't decided if looking at pictures from this summer makes it better or worse. it's also hard to be home because no one here really gets my experience. i have to wait to go back to school to tell my friends there. it's like i'm bursting at the seams to tell everyone how awesome chicago was. i could talk about it forever.

while i'm sad, i know that God has other big things planned for me. things that i couldn't accomplish in chicago. so for that reason i'm excited to get back to school. i'm excited to see how he's going to use me and grow me in the upcoming school year. i'm also excited because the sooner i go back to school the closer i am to christmas conference in indy and re-uinting with everyone from project. :)

so originally this blog was just going to be for the summer, but i'm going to keep it going throughout the school year. mainly because i don't feel like making another one. haha.

God will provide

i don't know why i ever doubt God and his ability to provide for me, yet i always do doubt and always question. he has definitely taken my doubts to teach me to trust him. to confide in him. to depend on him fully.

so on monday i still needed to raise $1415 for support. today i met with the one director to discuss my support and my options and he informed me that i owed $540.51. i just about fell out of my chair. other students had raised extra and one student decided to personally support me. i'm still amazed by the generosity of that student, to the point where i don't know how to express my gratitude. i am truly in awe of God's grace. i don't deserve the support money that he has provided for me. i don't deserve it at all, yet he is gracious, and continues to provide for my needs.

part of me feels so guilty about accepting the support because i've had such a difficult time trusting God with it. i can honestly say that i didn't fully give my support raising over to God. the idea of trusting him to help me raise such a large amount of money baffled me. i'm so used to having to support myself and provide for myself that i couldn't grasp the concept that God would provide for me.

leaning to be humble and to trust God is my theme of lessons this summer. he's constantly showing me how he can provide for me, if i just trust him. i get so frustrated with myself that i'm unable to do that. it's only when i reach desperation and a breaking point that i'm able to turn to God. like with finding a job, i was so frustrated and tired, but God provided me with a job at shoreline. support, i felt like i had hit a brick wall. i didn't know who else to contact, i didn't know what else to do to raise the money, and God provided. in such a huge way.

in other news, project is moving along quite swiftly. the staff leave this week! it's bitter sweet for me. i feel like i'm finally starting to break the ice fully with katie and really get to know her, and she's leaving. but the other part of me is excited to see all of the students step up and live up to their potential in leadership roles.

maybe i should back up a bit. staff leaves half way through project. shocked? so was i when i found out. when they leave they leave the students in charge in various leadership positions, which the staff as a whole decides upon. my leadership role is one of the campus leaders. i'm with another person (quinn) and we're in charge of the campus ministry on our three campuses. i'm honestly really excited about my job. quinn is an awesome guy and i think we're going to work really well together. i'm also just excited about spreading the gospel on these campuses. it's an excitement that i never in my life thought i'd feel. it's so awesome!

i love my job. the people and managers at shoreline are so nice and so understanding. one of my managers saw me one night when we went out sharing and he told me that he thought that what we were doing was really admirable and that "it takes some balls to be able to do what we do." it made me smile. he jokes around about us being "the God squad," but it's cool to know that he really does respect what we're doing. i also get some pretty sweet benefits with my job. 10% off of everything at navy pier, free boat rides and water taxis for me & friends & family, and free admission to the field museum, shedd aquarium, and adler planetarium. plus my job's just fun. i get the occasional annoying customer and stupid question, but hey, if that's the worst part, then who am i to complain?

i've done other cool things that are post worthy, but i'm getting kind of tired. plus this post is getting kind of long.

OH! i AM excited about eliza coming to visit me!!! July 22-25!!! yayyyy!!!!!! =)



me & my discipler (sp?) katie on a boat tour!





fireworks on the lake shore for the 4th of july! there were SO many people! it was CRAZY!!!!

faith story

so we've been working on our faith story's or testimonies to have ready for when we go sharing. mine's kind of formal because i wrote it more like a paper than a conversation, so i'm going to have to tweak it a little. but i still like the written version, so i thought i'd share it!

***************************************************

I am Sam. Sam I am. That Sam-I-am! That Sam-I-am! I do not like that Sam-I-am! Do you like green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I do not like green eggs and ham. Would you like them here or there? I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

It may seem funny that I’m starting off with Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham,” but the main characters refusal to accept the green eggs and ham from Sam I Am strongly correlates with my initial refusal to accept the gospel, religion, or God into my life.

I grew up in church and went to a private elementary school, so I knew all about religion, God and Jesus, but I didn’t want any part of it. I refused to accept that I needed anything like that in my life. I didn’t need God. I didn’t trust him. I was in control of my life, not him. I was like the main character in “Green Eggs and Ham.” Think of it like this, the gospel= the green eggs and ham, the main character= me, and Sam I Am= God. I refused to accept the gospel, or green eggs and ham. I didn’t trust what God was offering me.

Because of my independence I turned to other things to put my trust in to feel satisfied. In high school I started drinking and found superficial satisfaction in that. I was also extremely involved and felt fulfillment from all of the clubs and activities that I was belonged to, especially if I was in a leadership role.

In high school I also had to learn how to deal with death. Every year of school someone I knew died; friends’ parents, my grandmother, and one of my close friends. Watching how everyone around me was affected by the deaths only pushed me further away from God. I resented him. My distrust grew deeper and deeper and my need to be in control of my life grew more and more.

Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them with a fox? Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. I would not eat them here or there. I would not eat them anywhere. I would not eat green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

Everything that happened in my life was because of my own doing. I succeeded because I worked hard or failed because I didn’t try hard enough. I was in control. I didn’t believe God could or was helping me.

I went to college embracing my independence even more. I avoided the Christian student groups and chapel services. I didn’t need God. I was in control. I do not like them Sam-I-Am.

Then the summer before my sophomore year of college I was in a car accident and was lucky to survive. After that something struck me. I wasn’t in control of that accident. I didn’t prevent my own injury. Someone or something else did.

I went into sophomore year searching. I started attending a bible study, but I still wasn’t ready to admit that I wasn’t in control. I still turned to drinking and my campus involvement to fulfill the void in my life. God was there, he was offering me the gospel, but I wasn’t ready to take it yet.

Say! In the dark? Here in the dark! Would you, could you, in the dark? I would not, could not, in the dark.

Junior year I started attending a church at school. I was surprised to find that I enjoyed myself and looked forward to the services. I stopped going out on Saturday nights so that I could wake up for church on Sunday morning. I even started to meet with someone to guide my faith on a weekly basis.

One Sunday in October we had a guest pastor. At the end of the service he did the usual prayer to accept Christ, just like the normal pastor did. The weeks before I felt like I wanted to accept the prayer, but I was worried about being judged. But something compelled me to raise my hand, so I did.

You do not like them. So you say. Try them! Try them! And you may. Try them and you may, I say. Sam! If you will let me be, I will try them. You will see.

I was unsure of what to think afterwards. I didn’t know what steps to take. I thought that I had to be in control. It wasn’t until I saw my one friend’s excitement that I realized the impact of the decision I had made. It was hard for me to understand that I didn’t have to do anything to prove myself. I didn’t have to earn a certain grade or fill out an application. God loved me because I loved and accepted him, simple as that.

I think I finally decided to take the step to allow Christ into my life because I saw all of my Christian friends and how happy they were. They had a feeling of purpose and I wanted that feeling. I wanted more and I couldn’t provide myself with the more that I craved.

Since that Sunday in October my thought process has completely changed. I look at things in a different way and approach situations with a different attitude. I still struggle, but I understand that I can’t control everything in my life. If I succeed it’s not only because of my hard work and if I fail it’s because God has something else planned for me, not because I suck at life.

I’m still growing and still working on trusting God, especially when what I want isn’t what he wants for my life. But I’m learning. I’m learning that he will provide for me and that I’m not alone. I can trust him and he will respond in big ways; like pushing me to go to Christmas conference or sending me to Chicago on Summer Project. I just have to trust him, because he wants what’s best for me.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, this is the Lord’s declaration, plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

I’m glad that like the character in “Green Eggs and Ham” I decided to take a bite of the gospel and find that I like it. And I’m so thankful that God never gave up on me. I’m not in control of my future, and I’m learning to be okay with that.

I do so like green eggs and ham! Thank you! Thank you, Sam-I-am!

humbled

I feel like my brain and heart are on overload from all of the lessons that God is teaching me everyday. It's so humbling to see how well He knows me. He knows my every thought before I think it and is already anticipating how to teach me from those thoughts or from my actions. I'm overwhelmed with my amazement.

This weekend was a good weekend. Saturday morning I went into the city to do pilates in millennium park with some of the girls. it was so cool! i was laying in millennium park doing pilates while looking up at the chicago skyline. how many people can say that they've done that?!

saturday was the day that i decided to take for myself. i went into caribou coffee by myself to spend some time with the Lord. everone on project got this 14 day devotional called "thirsty." it's from cru press. i'm surprised to say that i genuinely enjoy doing it. it's hard. don't get me wrong. the questions it asks and the things it makes you think about are things that have never crossed my mind before. and it takes about a good hour to get through everything. but it really is good. i really like it. and God is revealing so much about Himself to me through it, so how can i not enjoy it?

sunday i went back to the holy trinity church with my group. i'm still deciding how i feel about it. the people there are really nice. i just think that i've become too accustomed to the contemporary style of worship. so i guess it's good that i'm experiencing more traditional this summer. then sunday night my impact group (my Bible study & a men's Bible study) had a potluck dinner. it was SO good! i was surprised at how good of cooks the guys were! it was a lot of fun. next week the guys are cooking for us, if this weeks food was any indication of their ability then i'm not worried. i know it's going to be good!

tonight was re:charge and it was good. nacy (one of the project directors) talked about dealing with conflict. which amazed me at how applicable it was to my life at the moment. it always cracks me up how God always manages to smack me in the face with the lesson He wants to teach me. it was good though. after re:charge i took the step to resolve the conflict that i was having, and i felt so much better afterwards. God's funny.

tomorrow i'm going on campus because i start work wednesday. it's supposed to be up to the 90's on wednesday. definitely going to have to try to stay hydrated, but i'm excited to finally start working!

p.s. totally irrelevant to this post, but the new incubus album is AWESOME!!!!

i'm a shoreline tours employee!!!

the group that ventured to the buckingham fountain last night!



the sears tower on the architecture tour



sorry for the lack of updates, it's hard for me to find time and energy to take time to blog!

i guess a lot has happened since my last post. i now have a job. YAYYYY!!!!! i was really stressing about finding one, but God provides, and He's continually proving that to me. i will be working as a greeter at shoreline boat tours on navy pier, which basically means that i stand at the ticket booth and greet customers and try to convince other people to take a boat ride. my boss, stace, is so awesome and understanding. apparently he loves people from cru, so he hired six of us which is just so unbelievably amazing! he even sent us on one of the tours for free. we got to go on the architecture tour which takes you through the city on the chicago river. it was really cool to see the city that way. i start on wednesday and get to work the taste of chicago, which is this big week long festival with tons of food and free music. the wallflowers are playing one night and so is augustana. and it's all FREE!

i mentioned before how we were broken into three different groups to go onto different campuses. well with the help of one the cru members at uic, ryan, we got a game of ultimate frisbee scheduled for thursday. ryan's an orientation leader so he told a whole bunch of the freshmen there for their orientation weekend. reaching the freshmen is one of our main goals. so we go and there's about 5 freshmen there to play ultimate. a small number yes, but i was glad that there were going to other people and not just ryan and us. so everyone's playing ultimate and i leave with one of the freshmen girls to go find other people to play. i come back with more freshmen only to see one of the guys from project (quinn) diving for the frisbee and then just hit the groud...hard. he hit the storm drain and dislocated his shoulder. so we're all scrambling around trying to get him to the hospital, calling project directors...just craziness. long story short quinn's okay, but he has to be in the brace contraption thing for 6 weeks and then do physical therapy for 6 months. poor guy. he has a pretty great attitude though considering everything.

needless to say, i don't know if we'll be using ultimate as a strategy to reach freshmen again. we'll see.

thursday was my campus day. i went to ai with katie my dicipler and we got to share with a girl, mary. it was honestly one of the most amazing conversations i've ever had. i was definitely nervous going into it because mary was sitting in a large group and i was just scared to go up and initiate conversation. but mary was enthusiastic about talking to us, so we started by doing soularium with her. it's so cool how much you can learn about one person through something like that. i felt like she really opened up to me and katie. she's been through so much in her life already. after soularium i got to share the gospel with her and she was so receptive. she said that she wanted to have a relationship with God, but didn't know if she was ready, she just needed time to think and process everything. so we exchanged information with her and i think that we're going to follow up with her sometime next week, or at least try to.

conversations like that remind me why i'm here on project. i'm here to spread the gospel with people. i want others to know about the great and amazing things that God does and i want Him to be a part of their lives too. talking with mary was definitely encouraging. and i honestly enjoyed conversing with her. she was quirky and had a great sense of humor. people like her make it easy for me to want to share the gospel.

last night a big group of us went into the city to see the buckingham fountain. it was a lot of fun. i think the random late night adventures with everyone are one of my favorite things.

i'm excited for tomorrow. at 9 there's free pilates/yoga in millennium park that a bunch of the girls are going to. then i'm just going to take the day for myself to catch up on my time with the Lord. i'm in definite need of some "me" time. the past few days have been packed with other people's company, which is good, i'm not complaining, but i do need some alone time.

i really do love it here in chicago and the people on project with me. i don't think i'll ever get over my own amazement of being here.

love

i am honestly in love with the city of the chicago. i'm so blessed to be here, especially with such an awesome group of people. it's just so amazing to see what strong relationships are forming already and it's only been a week. i honestly feel like i've known these people forever.

it's also so awesome to see God working through us. just listening to everyone's stories from when we go out sharing, it's obvious that He is doing big things through us.

yesterday me and becca went into grant park to share soularium at the blues festival. at first neither one of us were feeling it. it was later, around 8:30, everyone had been drinking all day, and we were tired. honestly both of us just wanted to give up. there were tons of people and it was loud and overwhelming.

but we decided to stick it out and went to millennium park instead where it was a little more quite. we ran into three high school girls and did soularium with them. it was SO encouraging and crazy how God just pulled us to them. the one girl is about to be a senior in high school and is struggling with religion. i could relate to her so easily because the doubts and concerns she had were what i just experienced earlier this school year. so we did soularium and shared the gospel with them. then we gave them our contact information and told them that we'd love to meet up with them and chat some more.

it just baffles me how God is always so knowing. He knew that me and becca needed encouragement and He knew that the girl needed someone to talk to.

today we all broke up into four different groups and went to four different churches. my group went to the holy trinity church. it was interesting. it's a lot like my church at home, more traditional hymns and messages and more structured. i appreciated it and enjoyed it, but it made me miss the journey so much. i definitely enjoy contemporary services a lot more.

then tonight our action group (Bible study) met up with a men's action group and we all went out to dinner together. we went to a legit genuine mexican restaurant...which was kind of a struggle because they didn't speak much english and i know no spanish whatsoever. but the food was pretty good.

after that we all came together as a group and went to a local park. some people played ultimate and some played kickball. it was just nice to enjoy each others company as a whole and spend some time just relaxing. plus i love kickball. ha.

spoiled

being here on project has definitely made me realize how spoiled i am at school. i just put 2 loads of wash in and had to pay $3. i'm not used to this having to pay for things bit. it's making me appreciate what high point does for it's students. i also take our wireless for granted. i haven't posted much because i struggle to get a wireless connection, and since my computer hates me my Ethernet doesn't really work.

but now to the good stuff. i am constantly amazed that i'm actually here. God is definitely challenging me on a daily basis. mostly i'm learning to work on my patience, which unfortunately i prayed for earlier in the school year, so it seems like now i'm constantly struggling with it. waiting to hear back on job applications is hard as well as just my patience with other people. it's a good lesson though and very humbling.

so since sunday i've basically been out applying for jobs full time. it's so draining! it's hard to trust God that he's going to provide me with a job and it's scary not knowing what my income is going to be. God's also teaching me how to budget my money. haha. which is a lesson that i totally need. so monday and tuesday i was out in the city just applying for jobs.

monday night we had what's called re:charge which is basically just a meeting for everyone on project to go over the plan for the week and worship together. on monday we found out which campuses we're going to be ministering to. i'm at uic (university of illinois-chicago), illinois institute of art, and school of the art institute of chicago.

tuesday night we had our action groups (Bible study groups). it was nice to get back into that atmosphere. i've missed small group so much! we studied the first chapter of Galatians. it was neat how our leader (natalie) broke it down. it was more like we analyzed the writing of it, who wrote it, why was it written, what was the purpose, and who were they writing it too. i don't know why but i've never looked at the Bible that way, but i found that i liked it a lot.

wednesday was my day to go on campus. i went to the merchandise mart where a.i. (art institute) is. it's the largest building in the u.s. i think? while there me and the staffer i was with (mindy) talked to this one girl christina. we got her to do soularium with us, but she told us that she didn't like religion or anything spiritual. however she still talked to us quite a bit, which was interesting. the campus there is small so i'm pretty sure that i'll run into her again. after that i went to uic's campus and met with my discipler (katie) and just talked and got to know her. i told her my story and she made me practice sharing the KGP (knowing God personally) booklet with her...which was interesting. i'm nervous for when i have to actually share it with someone for real. but it was cool to get to know here better.

wednesday night was re:late which is like a typical cru meeting where we can bring people that we've been ministering to to come and worship. it was nice to just worship with music, because that's always my favorite part. a bunch of students who are involved in the chicago metro cru came to worship with us. they run on the quarter system so they're getting ready to take finals, but it was cool to see them excited about what we're doing, trying to bring cru to other campuses and build interest.

thursday i had an interview at potbelly sandwich works in merchandise mart. so i went there hoping for possible employment, but i only got one question into the interview. when the manager found out that i was only going to be here for the summer she said that they needed more long term people. i was really disappointed because i need a job badly, but i know that it's because God has something else planned for me.

yesterday me and two of my roommates, emily and francesca, decided to take a break from the whole job hunting process. we went into the city and chilled at caribu coffee and read our Bibles. i worked on my faith story because i have to get it down to 3 minutes. after that we went to millennium park and just sat. there was a free orchestra concert that was going on so we sat and listened to that for awhile. it was nice to be able to go into the city and really enjoy it. the other days i've been so consumed with finding a job and applying places that i never got the time to enjoy chicago. yesterday was the first day that i realized that i'm in chicago! then later last night around 11 a bunch of us decided to go into the city to take some pictures. a lot of people here are into photography so it's cool to talk to them and learn from them since i know next to nothing about my camera and everything. hopefully my shots will turn out, it was kind of dark in some places.

yesterday was definitely needed. it was good to spend time with the Lord and relax and spend time with friends. it helped me to remember why i'm here, to serve Him. finding a job is part of that, but not the main purpose. i needed to be reminded of that.

i'm learning so much about God. and i'm so amazed by it.

welcome to the windy city!!!

hey guys!

so today was my third day in chicago and can i just say that it is SO awesome!

my plane got in friday about 15 minutes early so i went to get my luggage and met the staffer who was there to pick me up, kate. she is super nice and just so energetic and excited about God that it's infectious. so after meeting up with two other students and the staffer who picked them up we got on the "el" (elevated train...it's chicago's subway system) and rode for about an hour to get to the apartment building where we're staying. it was so crazy because as soon as we walked in all of the staff was there to greet us and were cheering for us and everything. i was kind of overwhelmed!

so i checked in and everything, unpacked, and went to get lunch with a bunch of people. i was kind of nervous because they seemed to know each other already, but it was cool. it wasn't until about an hour and a half after i got here that i got to meet my roommates. but they are so awesome. i couldn't have asked God to have put me with better girls. they're just so encouraging and we all get along so well. it's only been three days but i feel like i've known them forever. crazy. i know.

yesterday was my first day really in the city. we went on a scavenger hunt in different areas. my group decided to go to the magnificent mile (which is a mile long of shopping!), the navy pier, and wriglyville. it was so cool just to get into the city. and we were broke up into different groups so it was cool to get to hang out with other people. the one guy in my group totally reminds me of josh fast. his mannerisms, the way he talks and carries himself...everything! and he's from ohio. wierd.

today i went to millennium park with one of the staff members, kristen, to practice sharing my faith. it was pretty scary since i've never done it before. just randomly going up to strangers and asking them about their relationship with God?!?!? what?!?!? but it was good. kristen was really encouraging and helped me out when i struggled. however i was lucky enough that all of the people i talked to were Christians...so we'll see how i feel about it after i've had a few tough encounters. but i'll get plenty of practice this summer!

tonight we had a womens' night and it was just so awesome to hear everyone sharing their struggles and to see how God compelled everyone to bond and share their stories. it was crazy. it's so strange to think that after only 3 days the relationships that i'm forming with these women are so strong already!

tomorrow we're going job hunting, so pray for me that i'm successful in employment! i'll post some pictures later. my internet connection has been screwy lately. i have to get someone who's tech savvy here to check it out for me!

AHHH! 5 DAYS!!!

bring on the anxiety/panic attacks! i can't believe that it's so close to my time to leave...i'm freaking out! it's a mixture of excitement and nervousness. i have this horrible fear that i'm not going to get along with anyone. and that when we split into teams/groups for things i'm going to be like the kid from dodgeball in elementary school. you know the one that is standing on the wall anxiously awaiting to be picked...but in the end is the last one that no one wants. yeah. i don't want that to be me. i know that i'm overreacting and being irrational. but that's me.

i found out who my roommates are, which is pretty cool. i'm the oldest one, and i'm living in an apartment with three other girls. Jess is from michigan, Francesca is from Denver (where Matti's on project...i thought that was pretty cool!), and Emily is from illinois. our apartment is on the second floor. here's the apartment building that we'll all be staying in. it's pretty sick. i can't wait.

i still don't have a job. but i'm not letting that freak me out too much. it seems like no one has really had luck and i think a lot of that has to do with the fact that most of us applied online. i'm hoping that once i get there and actually go job hunting in person i'll have more success. i know. i have to trust God. i'm learning. baby steps, baby steps...

3 weeks!

only three weeks till i leave! i booked my departing and returning flights today which relieves some anxiety. i was lucky enough to get both non-stop, which is nice because i hate the long lay-overs. i figured it out today and i have about half of my support raised, which is good, but nerve racking at the same time. i found a mission trip scholarship that i'm applying for so i'm praying that i will receive some support from that as well. raising support has been one of the biggest tests that God has given me, just in trusting Him to provide and be patient. it's amazing to see everything that God is showing me and i'm not even in chicago yet!

a month and three days!

so i will be leaving for chicago in a little over a month...and i'm so nervous. i'm scared about raising all of my support and i'm just anxious about going away for so long for the summer! i'm really excited though too. i can't wait to meet new people and just see how God works in my life. it's going to be such an unforgettable experience, and i just can't wait for it.