say it to me now...

if you would have asked me to predict where i'd be in my life this time last year my answer would be totally different from the life i'm living now. i'm not talking about if i'd see myself back at school or anything like that. i mean predict my life emotionally, spiritually, relationally.

i can't believe the person that i've become, and i mean that in a good way. last year at this time i wasn't sure what i thought about religion let alone God. i would have laughed in your face if you would have told me that i would go on a summer project and laugh even harder if you told me that it was quite possible that interning with Cru was part of God's plan for my life.

but here i am. post-project a senior in college and seriously considering what God wants for me and for my future. i have a strong feeling that he wants me to intern for a year. initially the thought absolutely terrifies me and quite frankly pisses me off. i never wanted to join staff. i'm not even that involved with cru here at high point. why the crap does God want me to join this ministry? i have no idea honestly, but looking back on it, he hasn't steered me wrong yet.

actually i've been quite blessed. the Lord has surrounded me with people who care about me even if i fail to see it at times. people who push me to do the things that i don't want to, but that God wants me to. people who believe in me and encourage me when i'm doubting. he sent me on summer project, which was the best experience of my life so far. so why wouldn't i want to follow his plan for my life? it's only been good so far!

i've been blessed with an awesome church and support through that. my college pastors, bruce and becky, are hands down the most awesome couple i've ever met. i love that they've been able to guide me on my walk with the Lord and i'm so thankful to have something like that in my life.

i started my application to intern for cru today. it's going to be hard. it's a long application that asks hard questions. i've decided that i'm not going to freak out about applying because i'm just applying. i don't even know if i'll get accepted. i'm also going to apply to different things and just see what God does with them.

i don't think i'm as scared of my future as i have been....well...at least for now.

i am free to dance

oh man. this weekend was so good. and i'm so glad because i was in a slump.

so today at church we took communion. before we did pastor alan gave us some time for personal reflection/confession. wow. did God give me a wake up call. i'm not an emotional person...AT ALL...but God's crazy and doesn't care about that, not gonna lie, i was a little teary eyed. yeah, thanks God. he definitely made me realize things about myself that i'd forgotten or have been trying to ignore.

i haven't really been fair to God. i've been narrowing his greatness. i keep lingering on summer project and everything that i learned there. the Lord taught me so much this summer, but i've been acting as if project was the only place for me to learn lessons from him, which is wrong. no doubt that i was smacked in the face day after day with lessons on project because of the awesome atmosphere i was in, but that's not the only place or way for God to work in my life. i don't think i've been allowing him to work in me since being back at school, which is bad. mentally i've been limiting him. what was the point of going on project and learning all that i did if i'm not going to apply it here and allow God to grow me even more?

i also haven't been very open to allowing God to take control of my future. i say that i have, but really i haven't. and when he does present me with an option i freak out and say that it's not what i want. who cares if it's what i want! it's not about me, it's about him and his plan for my life!

i've been stupid and selfish. i feel like instead of sharing God's love i've been hoarding it to myself, but not even so that i can feel it. it's as if i've locked it away in a little safe, not for me, not for anyone. i need to get over it. i realized that today.

ha.

God has a funny sense of humor. ha. ha. ha.

i met with abby today.





i think i'm being called to intern with cru. ha.

you know that i could use somebody...

God is so good. for some reason i've been forgetting that. stupid me, i know.

small group started this week, which i'm really excited about. i've missed it. i've missed having community, and i'm excited about everyone who's in my group. it's going to be an awesome semester.

tonight i met with kelsey for coffee. she went on summer project too, in san diego. we're both discipled by the same person and she's been badgering us to meet and hang out because we've both just been having a hard time adjusting to being back at school after our experiences this summer. it was so good. it was nice to be able to just talk about project and not have to worry about upsetting someone. she understood everything that i was saying because she experienced it herself this summer. God definitely answered prayer through her. i needed tonight. like a lot.

i don't know what's going on with me. i feel so disconnected here at school. i'm so busy with phi mu, sga, peer mentor, ambassador, and work that i feel like i don't have time to have actual conversations with people. which i miss. i miss coming home from work and having my roommates ask me how my day was. i miss having them hold me accountable to spend time with the Lord and in the Word. and i just miss the community of project so much.

part of me feels like i'm the only one. not gonna lie, the cru movement here isn't the greatest thing. it actually kind of fails compared to this summer. i know that i shouldn't compare, but i can't help it. i want to be more involved in cru here, but it's hard. there's something lacking, i just don't know what, and i don't know how to make it better. i feel like our movement lacks relationship, and that's kind of hard to fix.

my life needs direction, which i'm hoping comes soon because i'm getting anxious. i've been looking more seriously into different grad schools and their programs and leah told me about this program called city year. i could spend a year in chicago working as a tutor or programmer for after school things. it has potential. but there's always that idea of joining staff just nagging in the back of my head. i really hope with my whole being that that's not what God is calling me to....i guess we'll see.