lesson learned

i have learned two major lessons in the past 24 hours. okay, one major, one not so major.

lesson one:
when you own expensive equipment, i.e. digital slr, purchase the proper carrying equipment i.e. camera bag, so said equipment does not break. last night my camera fell out of my purse, out of my car, onto the ground and one of my lenses broke. luckily it was the cheaper of the two lenses, however, it still stunk.

lesson two:
stop freaking out about things that "i've" done wrong and realize that ultimately, i am not in control of this life. God has everything planned for me. so when i think i've "sabotaged my own life," in reality, God is just trying to teach me something and everything will work out and be fine.

it's moments like this in my life that i would like to record so that when another freak out moment approaches, i can re-play this and be like "see scarlett, everything worked out, didn't it? you didn't have to stress, scream, or cry (haha...cry) now did you?" however, i unfortunately know myself and know that while i have this knowledge in this moment, i will somehow find a way that this current moment does not apply to future freak out moments.

more bucket list

and it continues...

17. go to Disney World for Christmas
18. have a drink in each country in Epcot
19. celebrate another (i was there for the 4th of july) holiday in chicago. i.e. st. patrick's day, new year's eve, halloween, christmas....

project 365?

i'm thinking of re-attempting this. especially since i now have a wonderful slr to play with. i think i'll just post everything on this blog though instead of having a separate blog. i was impressed with how far i made it last year, but i'm hoping that this year i'll be able to see it all the way through! keep an eye out and hold me accountable!

all the small things...

sometimes it's the really small, random, kind things that people do that help me to get through a tough day.

i'm feeling stressed-out and over-whelmed today at work. we're under staffed and way over worked.

anyways, little things like an encouraging text message from a friend make me smile.  or the lady at the drive through being super friendly and telling me to have a good weekend with a smile spread across her face make hard days a little less stressful.

God always knows when i need a little pick me up.

(insert state here) or bust!

my life feels like this picture. a bunch of puzzle pieces that don't quite fit together yet...

my brain is kind of exploding right now so i need to get all of this out.

basically i have no idea what my next move in life is. i think i want to go to grad school. scratch...i KNOW i want to go to grad school, the question now is where? i've started applications at iu and penn state to pursue a master's degree in communications theory, because ultimately i want to get my phd to be a professor. however hpu just announced (and i knew that this was coming, but i guess i never really thought about it) that the master's program in strategic communication is now accepting applications. and now it's like an annoying thought in the back of my mind. i don't know what to do....

i've never really been interested in strategic communication, but after working for a year, i've been thinking that i may enjoy working in public relations. but then i think about how it would probably mean another 9-5 office job, and i just don't know if i can do that. but then i wonder if it's doing something that i really love and enjoy, it wouldn't be that bad, would it? and even if i get my master's in strategic communication, that doesn't mean that i can't continue on to get my phd in communication theory does it? but do i really want to stay in high point? just the other day i was thinking how i need to get out of this town...so why the sudden change in heart?

however, on the other hand i've fallen in love with the program at iu. the topics of research that the professor's are interested in are on point with what i love. and i've been talking to alicia and she's thinking of staying in bloomington and we could live together and that would be amazing! i know that i would be in a great community, which is something that i've been missing. plus i just love iu's campus. it's beautiful. and bloomington is close to chicago...well, a lot closer than i am now.

and then there's penn state. i've grown up with penn state being shoved in my face just because i'm from pennsylvania. i also went to soccer camp there in high school and didn't like it. but they have a great program. and i'd be closer to home and closer to friends at home. and they have a great football program. i've really really missed football.

i know that i just posted that i know God has a bigger plan for me and everything, and i still know that. it's just frustrating when you think you know which direction you're headed and you're barreling ahead in that direction, and all of the sudden another road presents itself. i want a gps for life.




ORRRR do i want to go abroad and teach english??? like in south korea?

just another option that seems to be stalking me. like bombing my email....

bucket list additions

14. learn to drive stick shift (i'm like 85% there...i just need to practice)
15. go deep sea fishing
16. learn to snowboard....skiing's kind of boring

more to come later.

if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking...

i've been tossing around ideas for this post. inspiration will randomly strike me (like it usually does)  but it's usually at a really inappropriate or inconvenient time, so when i finally get a chance to sit down and write, i forget what i was going to say. therefore, for this post, i'm just going to type whatever comes to my head.  i'll warn you that there is a chance that it is going to be totally random and sporadic and not really make sense.  all i can say is, welcome to my brain.

these verses have been on my heart for a few days:

so we do not lose heart.  though our outer self is wasting way, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

~2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

first thoughts on why this verse has been on my heart:

• my job has been draining me. physically and emotionally. i've been exhausted and to the point of breaking emotionally several times this past week. i think i'm just tired. i'm tired of phonathon. tired of work. i need a break.  this makes me think of my "outer self wasting away." i feel like i am losing life. i'm not living life to the fullest. i find myself not doing things that i had planned or doing things that i want to do because i'm tired or because i have to go to bed so i can get enough sleep for work. i don't want to--okay in the middle of this post i got distracted and checked my work email and had to take care of some things with that, and now i forget where i was going with this bullet point. i believe i warned you that this would be random. i do believe the point i was trying to make was that even though i feel like i'm wasting away at my office job, i know that it's just one stepping stone in my life. it's preparing me for something bigger and better. something in my life that i know i will truly love. God has a bigger plan for me, and i can't wait to find out what it is.

• on the same note of God having a a bigger plan for me: for awhile i felt like God had very unceremoniously shoved me out of my circle of contentment that i had been in for pretty much my whole life.  i've never been the girl that feels like i need a boyfriend or a relationship to know who i am or to feel complete.  that probably comes with my overwhelming need to be independent and in control, but that's a whole other issue. anyways, i've always been fine with where i was in terms of relationships, but the past few months that feeling started to change.  i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i'm at the age where my friends are getting engaged and married.  i am not getting engaged. i am not getting married. and for awhile that kind of upset me. and for awhile i was obsessing over it and letting it consume me. however, the past few weeks pastor keith went through the ten commandments.  through his lessons i realized that this little obsession has (i say has because i feel as if even though i'm okay right now, it will continue to be a weakness and i can slip back into my obsession easily again) become a false idol in my life. that is obviously bad.  i've also realized that there are other things in my life that are demanding my attention.  things that God has put in my life for a reason.  things that i had been neglecting to be concerned with because my mind was wrapped around this other poisonous idea.  i know that this is something that practically every girl goes though. almost every girl wants the story book life. she wants to meet the man of her dreams and get married, live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah. what i don't understand is why we become obsessed with this idea when we do. yes, some of my friends are married/engaged.  and that's wonderful for them and i'm happy for them and wish them the best in the world. but why was i so concerned with that for my life? i'm only 22 years old! i have a whole life ahead of me! God has so many plans for me! it's so stupid that i get caught up and trip over this one thing. and who am i to think that i know better than God and His plan for me?

• so i feel like a lot of my posts have the same theme: discovering God's plan for my life. which brings me to another point of why the verse has been hitting home.  "for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." my light momentary affliction is that i don't know what i'm supposed to do next with my life. and i feel like the longer i wait to make a move, the smaller the doors of opportunity and chance are becoming. i have about three applications to three different grad schools started. i honestly could probably finish them in a week (aside from taking the gre). why are they not finished? i think because i'm scared of the outcome. i'm scared of not getting in. i'm scared of getting in and having to follow through with it. i scared of being accepted, going, and realizing that i've made the wrong decision and grad school wasn't what i was supposed to do. i'm scared of it being hard. i'm scared of having to move again. i'm, i'm, i'm....i need to get over myself and just do it. obviously i can't control what happens. but all of this anxiety is a momentary affliction. it is preparing me for eternity....

• bringing me to what i believe to be my last bullet point. eternity. Heaven. i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but i've only recently become really excited about Heaven. i mean obviously i've always wanted to end up there, but i've started to really think about it. i think that what triggered these thoughts was my heartache for my project family recently. i don't know what triggered it, but my heart has been hurting for my friends from project. recently i've been missing them a lot. missing the community we had on project. but Heaven will 100,000 X's better. my project family will be there. my family in high point will be there. it's going to be a big party. it's going to be great. and when i think about it, my heartache is replaced with joy. how can you not find joy in thinking about your family, your WHOLE family being in the same place together forever? you just can't...

and because this post was so random i just titled it with song lyrics, because let's face it, there was no central idea or theme going on here. as much as i tried, my mind has been so scattered lately that it just wasn't happening. since the concert, i've been mildly obsessed with their music, so i'll leave you with another david crowder band song. :)

dcb

last night i went to see this crazy group of guys perform with bruce and becky at the westover church in greensboro.  the show was wonderful! david crowder is so captivating to watch perform AND he played a lime green keytar, how b.a. is that?! his stage presence is unbelievable and he's SO funny!  i was really impressed with how he and the band interacted with the crowd.  you could tell that they all genuinely enjoyed what they were doing and appreciated every last one of us that was in attendance. it was wonderful.

at one point during the show david crowder was talking to the crowd.  there were a bunch of teenagers up at the stage in what i guess would be the pit holding cardboard signs.  david and his band mates were reading the signs and joking around about them.  he read one that said "give me your shoes, it's my birthday," and without hesitating, david crowder slipped off his shoes and gave them to the guy.  *(now, i'd like to add a little disclaimer that these weren't just any ordinary shoes. these were probably the sweetest pair of yellow sneakers i have ever seen. seriously.  it was like someone captured sunshine and put it in sneaker form.)*  after handing them to the kid, david crowder went on to explain how much he loved those shoes and how they were from hong kong.  he loved them so much he had surfed the web in search of another pair (he wanted a back-up pair) but couldn't find any.  and that was that.  he moved on to play the next song of his set.

i couldn't believe it. who does that? first of all, who just gives their favorite pair of shoes to someone because they made a sign asking for them? second, i thought the sign was a little rude. "give me your shoes." the kid could have been a little more polite.  maybe say something like "it's my birthday and i really like your shoes. birthday present?" i mean really. if you're going to ask a famous musician for his shoes, i would expect a little more tact.

anyways...i couldn't believe he just gave his shoes away. just like that. his favorite pair of shoes gone just because someone asked him for them. it struck me how it was such a little thing, but when done in front of an audience of around 2,000 people, it can mean so much. he showed how his shoes, even though he loved them, were just a material thing. something of the earth, not something that would help him towards eternity.

i am guilty of clinging to things of this earth.  i cling to my possessions. i obsess over worldly things. i let these things control my life, control my attitude, and control how i act on a day to day basis, but why should i? when it comes down to it, on the day of judgement, is Jesus going to care if i was dressed up enough for work or if i  had a cute outfit for a Christmas party? no. and when i think about these things in this way i feel so foolish. i feel so shallow and ashamed. it's so easy to get wrapped up in the world...to get caught up in society and what society sees as normal or important. it's hard to remind myself daily, shoot, even hourly, that what i'm most concerned with in that moment is probably not what the Lord wants me to be concerned with.

i'm not trying to make excuses, but i think it's harder to stay focused on living for Him in the corporate world. lately, my job has been running my life, consuming my thoughts and emotions. not that this wasn't true when i was a student. i was consumed with school work and activities and all of that junk, but it was a different kind of consumption.

last night's concert just really re-opened my eyes, and not really in the way that i was expecting it to.  i assumed that i would experience something from the messages in the music. the music was great and i loved it, but it was the actions of the band that really struck me.  i don't know if any of this has made sense, and i kind of feel like i've been rambling...but just think about it. if you were asked by a complete stranger for the shoes on your feet, would you be able to give them away? or the tv in your house? or the coat on your back?

and since this whole post has been a little heavy (not that heavy is bad) i will end with this:

bucket list

i've never made a bucket list, so i decided to start one.

1. go to Uganda and volunteer/provide aid in some way.
2. hike and camp out in the grand canyon.
3. see and photograph the northern lights.
4. read all of shakespeare's plays.
5. have my writing published professionally.
6. go to south korea for an extended period of time (longer than a week).
7. learn how to cook, like really, really cook. none of this pasta sauce from a jar business. i want to know how to chop, slice, dice and mix ingredients together to fully appease the palate.
8. go skydiving.
9. go to a real piano bar in either nyc or chicago.
10. live in chicago!
11. read the whole Bible from beginning to end.
12. scuba dive in the caribbean or the great barrier reef.
13. run the disney princess half marathon.

i'm sure there will be more. this is just what i could think of off the top of my head. i better start living life!

fall break?

next week is fall break. actually, scratch that. next week is fall break for students, for me it's just another work week, but i'm kind of okay with that.  because the students are off i don't have phonathon, so for one week, my life gets to go back to a some what normal schedule, which will be greatly appreciated.

i feel like so much has happened since i've posted last, but then again, none of it is really worth posting.  last weekend was alumni weekend. i worked like crazy, and was pushed to the limit on several occasions, but i survived and because i worked so much i get to take a week vacation for thanksgiving. :) see, silver lining.  my job pretty much tests me in some way on a daily basis, but i'm learning to expect and deal with it.

monday i had a coffee date with abby.  she's leaving soon to go on stint to southeast asia. crazy, but so so awesome. not gonna lie, i'm kind of jealous of her life.

i feel like God has me at a really interesting place in my life right now, and i'm not quite sure how i feel about it.  i feel like i'm trapped in a sort of limbo in so many aspects in my life.  but then there are other parts of my life, where i've been content for so long, but now i'm feeling not so content. it's like God has put on a big boot and kicked me from the room of contentedness. i don't really like it.

i feel like when i started writing this post i had more profound things to say, but now i'm kind of at a loss for words...

the suburbs (continued)

i caved and downloaded the new arcade fire album from itunes onto my work computer. it's great. i love it. it just made me realize how much i miss having my music library from my laptop.

buy anyways, i loved these lyrics from the last song on the album, "the suburbs (continued)," and thought i'd share:

if i could have it back, all the time that we wasted,
i'd only waste it again.
if i could have it back,
you know i would love to waste it again,
waste it again, and again, and again.
i forgot to ask.
sometimes i can't believe it,
i'm moving past the feeling again.

~arcade fire, the suburbs (continued)

sheer genius. go download it now. :)

hello september!

it's september...holy cow! in honor of the beginning of the lovely fall months i wore a brown dress to work. i'm hoping that this heat breaks and the crispness of autumn weather will be upon us soon. fall is my favorite season. i can't wait.

they've hired someone to fill the empty position in my office. PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!!! the past few months have been a struggle because of the absence of a person in the position, but starting september 20 that void will no longer exist. i'm so excited and relieved. i think that the overall atmosphere of the office will pick up...there won't be as much tension and everyone all around won't be as stressed. hopefully i won't be as stressed out and things will start to fall back to a less hectic pace. i'm praying that's what happens at least.

students are back and classes are in full swing. i thought that it would take me longer to adjust, but other then the first few days, i've been fine. there are still moments where it hits me that i'm not a student anymore, but overall i haven't freaked out like i thought i would. and that's a good thing.

kb's wedding was last weekend. oh my gosh it was the most beautiful wedding i've been to. it felt like it was out of a movie or a storybook or something. it was so traditional, but it was lovely.  it was also nice to see friends from project again. it makes me happy that we still keep in touch and have deep relationships, even a year later. i think that i'll be friends with them for life. :) we're getting a lot better at saying good bye too...but i haven't decided if that's a good thing or not yet.

my mom's coming down this weekend and i'm staying with her in raleigh. i'm so excited. i've missed my family a lot. and then next weekend my dad's coming down. it's funny how you don't really appreciate something until it's not really there anymore.

still reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller. i'm loving the book more and more with each page i turn.  here's a little excerpt and maybe you'll understand why:

i think to myself about the weight in my pack.  last night paul and i talked a bit about all the stuff that we carry with us, all the weight we walk around with, emotional baggage, thinking we need stuff we don't need.  we weren't getting very deep or anything, but i keep thinking about it, and how much stuff i walk around with, about how life is a dance and God just meant for us to enjoy life, not get bogged down in sin and religion.  just be good, it seems like, is the point of life; be kind to people; don't hate anybody; forgive people because we all make mistakes.  i know there are always going to be exceptions to this kind of thinking, but it seems like life would be better if we could just let go of the thought we need more and more stuff to be happy, more and more of the approval of others.

--donald miller, through painted deserts

great song.

Get Higher- The Paper Tongues

pretty awesome. check it out.

thoughts of a friend

one of my friends from project posted this on her blog. i loved it and wanted to share:

Don’t discount the place in which the Lord has You. Allow Him to teach you to be content with everything or with nothing. Remember, the END goal is to know Him. May the good times, the bad times, and the ehh times all draw you closer to Him.

--Joy Helfen

:) she's so wise.

through painted deserts

so i finally finished reading east of eden and am now on a new book. i decided to read don miller's through painted deserts. i'm only half way into the first chapter and i know that i'm going to love it. i just really like don miller. i get his sense of humor and love his writing style.  blue like jazz is one of my favorite books. 

anyways, the point of this post was to share a little of his writing. small excerpt from the author's note:

"the seasons remind me that i must keep changing, and i want to change because it is God's way.  all my life i have been changing.  i changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers.  i changed into a teenager to drive a car, into  a worker to spend some money.  i will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we aer near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, cycle of change.  everybody has to change, or they expire.  everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

i want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die.  i want to keep walking away from the person i was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

...i sometimes look into the endless heavens, the cosmos of which we can't find the edge, and ask God what it means.  did You really do all of this to dazzle us?  do You really keep it shifting, rolling round the pinions to stave off boredom? God forbid Your glory would be our distraction.  and God forbid we would ignore Your glory."

--donald miller, through painted desserts

mmm. okay. so maybe this excerpt wasn't really all that small, and i even left out a lot of it...but isn't it great? miller has such a way with words.

i think i also really enjoy this little excerpt because it applies to my life right now. shoot. it can apply to everyone's life.  we must be willing to change. we should crave change because God created us that way. 

i've been thinking about my future a lot lately.  what am i going to be doing this time next year? where do i want to go to grad school? what do i want to go to grad school for? am i even supposed to go to grad school?  not gonna lie, all of these thoughts scare me. i do not adjust to change really well. i'm an intj. i like order. i like system. and i like routine. any wrench that gets thrown into my machine of a life stresses me out.

i've been praying about the changes in my life a lot and i've really gained some peace through it.  my fear of change goes hand in hand with my need to be in control. actually, i feel as if all of my issues stem from my need to be in control. but i can't control change, and since i can't control it, i should just embrace it. don miller says it best.  i should want to change "because it is God's way."

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes...

in the past few weeks there has been a lot of throwage of my hands in the air...but more out of frustration then anything else. not because i want to dance around and sing like the song 'dynamite' talks about.

the past few weeks at work have been so extremely challenging. there have been some changes in the office and as a result i have gained more responsibility, which is good, it gives me a chance to prove myself in a way. on the other hand, i have been so stressed and overwhelmed with everything that i'm going a little crazy.  some of the responsibilites that i have gained i just don't know how to fulfill.  for example, i'm now in charge of managing this online community kind of thing that we have and creating registration forms and emails through it. well this community is not easy to manage. a lot of the things that i have to do involve some intense html coding. yes. i said it. html coding. um. so yeah. those of you that know me know that i do not speak nerd. i know the very minimal about html, and what i do know is only from my high school myspace days. needless to say, mentally, i have been challenged, pulled, stretched, and broken down on numerous occasions.

on top of dealing with learning nerd lingo at a very rapid pace, i've also had to juggle my old responsibilites, which have seemed to fall to the back burner on my priority list. there have been many days where i've just wanted to leave for lunch and not come back.

outside of work i'm still dealing with the issues surrounding the apartment and break in, insurance companies, police reports, and now my car has decided to go on the fritz. it feels like ever since i've officially become part of the "adult" world i've been slammed with one issue after another. there are moments that i just want to throw my hands up in the air and just scream, kick, and possibly cry. i want to yell that i don't want to be an adult, i don't know how to fix these problems, and i want my parents to make everything better.

i've been thinking about everything a lot this morning. what am i supposed to be gaining from all of this? what is God really trying to teach me? and the thing that i keep coming back to is that i am not in control of my life. not one part of it. not my work life. not my personal life. i'm not even in control of how my stupid car works. God is. he controls everything. EVERYTHING!!! it amazes me how many times i need to learn this. how many times does he have to show me this? i wish he could take a big sledge hammer and smash it into my brain. but i'm such a control freak. i feel like i need to control everything. I AM NOT IN CONTROL!

instead of throwing up hands up in the air in frustration, i need to throw them up to God and say, "i know i can't fix this, only you can....and you know what? i'm okay with that."

pressure! pushing down on me...

phew. it's friday. and boy am i thankful for that. this past week has been so challenging in so many different ways that it's a little bit ridiculous.  i know that it's God trying to grow me, but man...how much growth can a person take in one week?

i think that's kind of the beauty of everything that's happened.  through all of this God has shown me that i can handle more than i thought i could. work is challenging. i'm gaining more responsibility, which in one way is good, but in another it makes life more stressful.  i find myself thinking about work and things that i need to do for work in the middle of the night or on the weekend. i'm in a pretty good working environment, which makes things a little better. for the most part everyone in my office gets along and are nice to each other.  i may not always like the work that i have to do, but that's life, and i'm learning to deal with and understand that.

i'm also learning how to just deal with life and life situations.  it feels like i'm getting a crash course. get an apartment. pay bills. get a full-time job. learn how to deal with someone breaking in and stealing from you. learn how to deal with a difficult roommate. you know. the norm. ha.

there are so many things that i'm thankful for though as well. i'm so thankful that it was only material things that were lost. thankful that i have insurance that will cover the cost of the lost items. thankful that i have such loving and caring friends who have helped me through everything. honestly. my friends have been great.  bruce and becky let me and amy stay at their house the night we got back from the beach so i didn't have to worry about cleaning up right away. my boss has also been really understanding and caring, offering to help me out in any way that he can.

life's crazy. i feel like God's showing me that i'm not in control of anything. at all. simple as that. he is. and while i know that, i feel like i needed to be reminded of that, and in a big way. and while it stinks. i'm thankful. i needed it.

a friend shared these verses with me after hearing about everything:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

James 1:2-3

at the time i didn't fully appreciate the meaning behind the verses, but now i think i understand.  i am joyful. joyful that these events bring me even closer to Jesus. joyful that he tests me, but i still remain strong in my faith. yeah, the tests and trials may suck and be hard and test my patience to the extreme limit and further than they've ever been tested, but i know that it's good.

....but i can still be thankful that it's friday. PTL! :)

iDivert

so. iDivert is a joke between me, bruce, becky, & mofo. one night when i was over at bruce & becky's with matti we were talking about my new job and i explained how i didn't want to answer my phone, i just wanted to hit the iDivert button. they laughed at me because they thought i had made up the "i" part, but it really does exsist. iDivert is a button on my phone. the next morning i sent them a picture text message to prove my point.



i guess the whole point of that story is how easy would life be if there was an iDivert button you could push everytime something happened that you wanted to divert to someone else or to another time. you could hit the iDivert button to avoid the morning or waking up... i just read matthew 8 and can you imagine what it would have been like for Jesus if he had a life iDivert button?

"Hey Jesus, can you please heal my servant?"
"Nope" hits iDivert

"Jesus, the storm is going to sink our boat! Can you help us?"
"Sorry, I'm sleeping." iDivert.

Jesus didn't have an iDivert button. why should we? he didn't steer away from the hard things, he confronted them, head on. i mean he is Jesus, so i guess it was easier for him. and i should want to be like Jesus. but i'm selfish, and want an iDivert life button. selfish.

i feel like lately i've been living my life that way though. iDivert from things i don't want to deal with, espeically when it comes to my living situation. living with my roommate is tough, and i'm pretty much tested in some way or another everyday.  i have the worst attitude about it too. instead of praying for her or praying to love her, i've been praying things like "Lord, help me figure out how to get a new roommate." iDivert to the easier prayer instead of praying my way through this challenge like i should. last night i was at bruce and becky's telling them about my latest dilemma with my roommate and after letting me rant they both spoke truth into my life, asking me if i was praying for her. nope. i haven't been. i wanted an iDivert button for that question, because i knew that hadn't been praying like i should. but that's what i love about b & b. they will let me rant and vent, but then they're right there to help me to see the truth in the situation. i need that.

decisions decisions!!!

ahhh! today is payday!!! do i go to chicago? do i not go to chicago?!?!

i need to make a decision. and fast. airline tickets have already gone up from $250 to $280. i just don't know what to do...

if i go i won't be financially crippled...i'll just have to budget a lot better for the next month, which i've already started doing anyways. sooo...what's it going to be? i feel like i already know what's going to happen...it's just actually going through with that decision. this whole being grown up and making big time decisions is not fun. not at all.

life plan

new idea/inspiration for life plan.

• study for & take gre this fall
• finish out this year at this job. my contract ends may 31.
• go abroad and teach english for a year or do some kind of mission work. i would love to go to south korea.
• apply to grad school
• currently looking at roosevelt university in chicago...big surprise. but i can get a master's of science degree in journalism and concentrate in visual which focuses mainly on photography. pretty awesome.
• get a job that does not require me to sit at a desk from 8-5, where i don't have to dress up everyday (i'm okay with some dressing up, just not everyday), and where it's okay to have a nose ring.

who knows if this will all actually pan out. most likely not since this is my earthly plan and God usually throws a kink in my plans somehow. but we'll see...

apathy...

today marks the completion of my first full work week. yay? i guess?  i'm honestly not quite sure how i feel about it. it seems as if i'm going through the motions of life right now. i'm going to work. paying my bills. going through a daily routine, but i feel like i have no purpose behind any of it. i'm not saying that my new job is awful. it's actually pretty nice. i like the work atmosphere that i'm in. i like the people in my office. and i generally like the work that i'm doing...

...however, compared to what i was doing last summer, this summer is extremely lack-luster. last summer i knew that i was taking steps to make change in people's lives. my life was being changed. i was forming deep relationships and building those relationships every day. i'm not doing that right now. i miss that. i miss feeling like i'm doing things with an intense and definite purpose. i miss the deep and intentional conversations that i had every day last summer. i know i missed these things during the school year, but i think i'm missing them even more now because it's summer. and during the school year i had more community.

i'm trying not to slip into an apathetic slump. i'm trying to turn to God with this and see what i'm supposed to learn from this summer. how i can grow this summer. how i can deepen my relationship with him this summer. but it's hard. it's hard to tell my heart that this is what i'm supposed to be doing. it's hard to not slip down memory lane and keep my heart from aching and longing to be back in chicago.

chicago. some people are planning on making a trip to the city the last weekend of july. i desperately want to go. but i don't know if it's the smartest decision financially and heart wise. i'm not sure if it will be good for me to go back, especially if it's only for a weekend because i know i'm going to crave more time than that. more time with my friends. more time in the city...

heart-filled.

these verses have really helped my heart the past few days. i thought i'd share. :)

This God--his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.  "For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless. 

~2 Samuel 22: 31-33

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

 ~2 Corinthians 12:9 

 

home is where your heart is...

i don't know where my heart is right now. kinda all over the place i'd say. the weekend in indiana was wonderful. it was so great to see friends whom i haven't seen since the end of project. it was also so cool to witness the marriage of becca and will.

since being back i've just been bumming around. spending a lot of time in coffee houses so i have internet. right now i'm in winston salem at a coffee house with abby. i just feel kinda blah. i did not want to leave indiana. i hate that i'm so far away from so many people that i care about so much. it's rough.

it felt like leaving and saying goodbye to everyone this time was so much harder then it was in december. i'm not sure why. i think that maybe it's because i'm not longer in school. i have a job. i'm about to start a scary part of my life. a lot of them have at least another year of school and more flexible schedules so it's easier for them to travel to see each other. i'm stuck with a 9-5 job and a not so flexible schedule. i'm stuck in north carolina. over nine hours away from everyone.

i want to be back in indiana...or at least closer to indiana, somewhere in the mid-west. i think right now that's where my heart is right now...

here's the day you hoped would never come...

i go back to north carolina. i start a new chapter of my life tomorrow. i enter the 'real world' and start my big person job on june 1. i'm scared. as much as being home drives me crazy i love the comfort of it. i love spending time with my family no matter how much they get on my nerves.

i just really don't like change. this is a big change. a big scary change. big. scary. change. i know i can do it. i know that this is what i'm supposed to be doing. God has proved that to me on several occasions. however, that does not make it any less scary.

it's the final countdown...

i graduate from college in two days. man has the time flown by. i'm not going to get all emotional and sappy in this post. i'm not that kind of person. plus i'm still processing my feelings. but i did find this quote that i thought was extremely applicable to graduation.

"we do not understand the intricate pattern of the stars in their courses, but we know that He who created them does, and that just as surely as He guides them, He is charting a safe course for us." ~Billy Grahm

 

"you're wasting your time..."

...that's what my one roommate said to me after i told her that tonight for cru we did outreach and cleaned three of the frat houses on campus. i called her a jerk and refused to listen to her about her night class. she made a peace offering by giving me an apple chip. i accepted, but it made me think.

why did that comment bother me so much? maybe because i had just spent the past hour and a half mopping and scrubbing the gross basement floor of a frat house. maybe because it was hot and i was tired from driving back to school today and i didn't want to be told that it was all for nothing.  maybe it was because i was mad at myself for talking myself into even going to cru tonight because i always feel so awkward, no many how many times i go. maybe because i was mad about the instant reaction that spread across everyone's face when they found out what we were doing tonight, the instant judgment and disdain that was visible. or maybe it was because i was thinking the same thing myself...

"what a waste of time..." was one of the first thoughts that ran through my head when they said that we were going to clean the houses tonight. "they won't appreciate it." "they won't notice that we even did anything..." "why waste our time cleaning when they're just going to trash the house again this weekend...or wait tomorrow night?"

i don't blame my roommate for saying this to me, because honestly i was thinking it myself...

so why did i give in and spend time cleaning a gross frat house? why did i spend time cleaning up somebody else's mess instead of doing my homework?

because Jesus would. because how can i have my judgements about the cru movement here if i'm not willing to pitch in and help?  because i want to be like God, and God is a servant.  God wouldn't care that he stupidly wore flip flops and got his feet dirty.  God wouldn't judge the mess, wouldn't judge how it got there, wouldn't judge the people who made it. why should i judge? especially since i used to be one of those people...

it was strange cleaning the house.  it was strange seeing it empty and lifeless, without drunk people, loud music, and fog and flashing lights.  that's how i was used to seeing it. it's sad to think that those are the things that give the house life. that those are the things that give those people life. my heart breaks for them...even though it was bitter and resistant at first. my heart breaks because i know what it's like to live for the weekend and the 'life' that the weekend would bring. my heart breaks for the greek community on this campus.

i'm graduating. i have limited time to directly impact this community. but ptl because there are other greeks who are involved with cru who have the same heart as me. we're trying to start acropolis (the greek bible study) back up for next semester. i don't know what i hope for it yet. i don't know what to expect, but if the least we can do is something like what we did tonight, then i think we can slowly make an impact...Christ can work through those kinds of small things because who am i kidding, he's God.

landscape

in digital photography we're working on editing our shots for our next portfolio. i've run out of work to do because i still need to go shoot some things, so i figured i'd post some examples of what i've done so far.  one of the categories for our next portfolio is 'landscape.'

this first one is the field that's across the street from where our goats are.

this one is basically my back yard. there's a lot of fields where i live.  at first i didn't really like my shots for this set because i thought the fields were boring, but i've grown to like them through editing and just appreciating where i'm from. there aren't really fields here in high point.

i'm going home for easter and i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i'm excited to see my family, but i know that it's going to be stressful because of my grandfather moving in... plus, basically two of the days of my break i'm going to be driving, so i'll only actually be home for three days.  it's just a lot of time traveling to not be at home that long.

however, i will be getting my car when i go home. and now i have an apartment, so i won't have as many things to worry about.  it's really comforting and amazing to see how things are slowly coming together. i had been having doubts about whether or not i was doing the right thing by taking the job at high point, especially because it seemed as if i was struggling to get things together, but God has provided for me, yet again. yet again he has proven to me that when i'm patient, he will pull through, and that things happen on his time and on his schedule, not mine.

how lucky are we to have such a gracious, forgiving, and loving God?

PTL!!!!

so thankful for the following things:

• franny pants is okay! so francesca, one of my roommates from project was rock climbing and fell 14 feet! crazy! she broke her leg pretty badly, her tibula and fibula. her tibula penetrated her skin. she had to get surgery and get a rod put in. but i talked to her and she's home and doing better. she's a trooper. i'm so glad that a broken leg was the worst thing that happened. i mean i know it still sucks, but it could have been worse.
• so i'm doing my senior seminar on the darfur crisis and how it was portrayed in the media throughout the world. doing research on it and learning more and more about everything that happened just makes me so thankful that i live in america and that i'm as fortunate as i am. i really am lucky. i take my life for granted.
• i got a project update from joy today! she was my student discipler after the staff left. it's so good to hear how she's doing and how the Lord is working in her life. i really respect her and her relationship with him. she's so mature in so many ways, and i really admire her for that. she was one of the first people that i got to know on project. i miss her.
• i got becca and will's wedding invitation today!!! (more project people.) i'm so excited for them! the invitation was so cute them and so becca. it had owls on it! it's so exciting that they're taking their relationship to the next level and that i get to see it happen. i'm also excited to see people from project. i just need to figure out how i'm going to get to indiana...

digital photography

i've realized that i enjoy shooting people a lot more than i enjoy shooting objects or landscapes or things like that. i think it's more fun to capture their personality though the composition or color or what they're posing with. this is my friend liz. the top one is the original and the bottom is my edited version. i had to shoot a study of a person as one of my assignments and she graciously agreed to pose for me with her car.

i wish you were here...

i woke up yesterday morning to take pictures of the sunrise for my digital photography class, and i was just struck by the beauty. it made me think of watching the sunset over chicago from navy pier, which made me nostalgic and miss project a whole lot. it's hard to believe that it's been seven months since project has been over. it's been awesome to hear from everyone how God is working in their lives and just continuing to grow them, which made me think about my journey with God and how far i've come.

at first it felt as if i was spiritually stunted, but thinking about it more i don't think it's stunted, i think that it's finally consistent. before project i think that i was just going from one spiritual high to another, and waiting for the next striking moment. but now i feel as if i'm finally at a comfortable, steady pace in relationship with the Lord, and it's really comforting.

i wish that all of csp '09 could get together again, and year after our last day together, and just talk about where we are in our lives, what the Lord has done for us, and where we see him leading us.

i feel like lately especially i've been having a lot of flashbacks to random memories from project, and i find myself laughing and smiling to myself. but instead of getting sad, i'm finally content, which i think just reflects everything else in my life. it's crazy how things are starting to come together. i feel like i'm at a good place in life. i'm content. :)

i'm a shipwreck...

I'm a shipwreck
A sailor lost at sea
You're a tidal wave
And you're crashing over me
Caught in your current but I'm sinking
I am drowning peacefully

Crying out come rescue me with love
Like a child needs a night light in the dark
Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch
You're all I need but you never seem to be enough

~lovesick, tenth avenue north

"you're all i need but you never seem to be enough..." theme of my life.

i was on the phone with my mom tonight and afterwards i felt so broken and lost. i felt helpless because things with my grandfather are not going so well and my mom was emotionally worn and i couldn't do anything to help. and that frustrated me, which made conversation with my mom frustrating because we were both getting irritated by stupid things.

i finally took time and journaled, which i haven't done in a really long time. i don't know why i always forget how good i feel afterwards. i know it doesn't fix things, but it helps me to be honest with myself and to be honest with God. i mean he already knows everything, so i guess it's more just being honest with myself and letting God know that i'm being honest with myself. but anyways it feels good. it's refreshing. i'm just stupid and never give myself the time to do it. i'm determined to change that and try to journal every other night. as well as blog more.

i'm going to the scrap exchange with becky on saturday and i'm so excited! i love little random crafty things and this place is a treasure trove of little trinkets. i think it'll be good to get away from campus and everything here for a little, especially with becky and possibly kelly. they're good people, and that's what i need right now.

 

morning prayer

i follow james macdonald on twitter (yes, i finally caved and got one). this morning he posted a link to his blog which was a prayer for today. i thought i'd share.

My Prayer Today
Here’s a prayer I pray in some way almost every single day. When I don’t, I wish I had. Pray with me today . . .

Ephesians 5:18, “Be filled with the Spirit.”

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. I can’t fix yesterday, and tomorrow seems a long way off.
Today, Lord: Cleanse my heart from the fleshly residue of yesterday’s fallen humanity.
Today, Lord: Scrub my thoughts and motives till they shine with singularity – wanting Your glory alone.
Today, Lord: Wash me and I will be whiter than snow, purposed afresh to follow Your footsteps.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. The tasks ahead are too much. If I must go alone, I cannot go at all.
Today, Lord: I’m not smart enough to know what is best, and not strong enough to choose what is righteous.
Today, Lord: My wife, my family, my friends, my church . . . I am not sufficient for these things, and I know it.
Today, Lord: Or what unfolds in the hours ahead will fade into the abyss of worthless, wasted time.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit right now. Come, make these 24 hours all You created them to be.
Now, Lord: You know how to ‘give good gifts’ and I am so thankful to be called Your child.
Now, Lord: By faith, I receive the Presence You’ve promised, and delight to know that Your Word is true.
Now, Lord: You are filling my life with peace and purpose and freeing my soul to sing.

Galatians 5:16, 22, “Walk then in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the desires of your flesh. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self control.”

i truly enjoy james macdonald's approach to Christianity and his method of preaching. it's just really easy for his style to resonate with me and for me to get the message that he's trying to teach. i'm so glad that he spoke at indycc because before then i had never heard of him.  he always asks deep and provoking questions and really makes me think and see things in a new light and at a different angle, which is something that i really appreciate. i like to be challenged in my way of thinking and in my faith.

babies!

so i meant to post these earlier but i only just uploaded them to my computer. when i got home on friday i had a lovely surprise waiting for me. one of my dad's goats, daphne, had babies! two healthy baby boys! they were so tiny and fun to play with. part of me misses this about being home. i miss spending time with my dad out at the animals. i forget how much i enjoyed 4-h and ffa. i learned so much through both clubs too. it was nice to spend some time re-connecting with my dad through the babies. raising the animals was something that we did together and i miss it.

last train home...

i'm home for spring break, and part of me wishes that i wasn't. i always forget how stressful home is for me. my family is slightly dysfunctional and when we're all together in the same place it can get a little crazy and tension can be kind of high. it doesn't help either that i quickly run out of patience when it comes to my family. i guess i'm just so used to living away from them that when i am around them stupid little things get on my nerves, things that i used to be okay with but have become so accustomed to not having to deal with.

it's so strange being home too because i don't know when the next time will be that i'll be here. after graduation maybe, but it won't be for long since i start work june 1.

graduation. that's another crazy thing about being home. it feels like just yesterday i graduated from high school and was freaking out and a bag of nerves about college. now i'm about to graduate college. i'm an adult and i don't feel like it! my mom's making it worse too. today she must have brought up graduation and my future job/apartment hunting/anything dealing with the future about fifty different times. i know that it's hard for her and she's just trying to figure things out with me, but i don't like talking about things. i like to bury things away in a little box and only think about or deal with them when i absolutely have to, which i know is horrible, but it's what i do. talking about everything out loud with my mom means that it's reality, and i don't know if i'm ready to face reality yet.

it's stressful trying to figure out what my parents are going to bring down when they come for graduation, what furniture i'm keeping at home and what furniture i want in my apartment (which currently is non existent). i'm also hopefully going to buy a car while i'm home which is a whole other battle.

in all of this it's hard for me to remain focused on God and have comfort in knowing that he's with me through everything, every step of the way. it's so hard to consider different options and decisions like where do i want to live, who do i want to live with, am i buying a car now or later and still keep in mind that everything i'm doing is part of God's plan for my life. it's hard to find comfort in that right now. i know that when i look back on all of this in hindsight i'll be able to be like "oh yeah, now i see what God wanted me to learn from that." not gonna lie though, hindsight really stinks, especially when i want to know what the plan is now.

it's crazy though, the fact that i can't focus on God. in all of the craziness that is my life, God is the one constant. i think the reason that i get so frustrated with my mom is that i want her to comfort me and tell me that everything is going to work out and be okay, but in reality she's just as freaked out as i am, and it's not fair for me to expect her to always be able to comfort me. who should i turn to then? God. duh, scarlett. but do i? no. which is so crazy, because when i do take time to spend in the Word or journal my prayers and thoughts, i feel more calm about everything.

you would think that through all of this i would just learn to always turn to God and give all of my stress, all of my concern and worry to him, and just trust in him that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing. but i don't. it amazes me how consistently stupid and stubborn i can be. i really need to get over myself and accept that i can't know nor can i control everything.

i'm hoping that this week at home and free time to think will help me to refocus. to just hunger and dive into the Word, and for God to really reassure me that my life, what i'm dealing with right now, is not the worst thing in the world. i am going to survive.

random side note/fun thing: i was talking to simon tonight and he sent me this link for a poem about talking to God. note: there is some foul language...just thought i should throw that out there, but i think the message and theme of the poem are pretty awesome.

i am not my own...

so i realized that i hadn't elaborated on why i de-activated my facebook account the first time, and that i said that i would explain...so i guess here is said explanation:

facebook was taking over my life. as sad and as pathetic as that sounds, it's true. i found myself sitting on my computer late at night just randomly clicking and wasting so much time! completely useless! i was also getting caught up in drama that was being posted all over facebook and was getting upset by it. and then i realized that it was stupid that i was letting facebook have that much control over my emotions and mood, so i kind of snapped and de-activated it.

this semester has been kind of difficult for me in a lot of ways. i've been feeling distant and disconnected from phi mu, and a lot have negative thoughts have been on my mind, which never really happened before. i have zero motivation to do school work or go to class. i haven't been motivated to get in the word, or to even spend time with the Lord, which is just really bad...and disappointing. if i'm having all of the negative thoughts and feelings why wouldn't i turn to my Father for help? i've just been so overwhelmingly apathetic, which isn't me.

as stupid as it sounds taking a break from facebook has really helped me to refocus. i'm not checking it several times a day so i'm not faced with the drama, and i can honestly say that i don't really miss it. when i do get facebook back at the end of Lent, it will be more to use as a tool for communication rather than to consume massive amounts of time from my life.

i'm working on a year long reading plan for the Bible and i've started reading the Chronicles of Narnia, which i've never read. it's nice to take time to read some each night...time that any other time i would have wasted clicking aimlessly on facebook.

on a completely other note and update on my life: i will be staying in north carolina and in the high point area after graduation. i have a job. now i just have to work on an apartment, roommate, and car. i can't believe that i'm becoming an adult. ordering my graduation cap and gown was so surreal. i'm almost done with college! crazy!

i'm excited though. i'll get to still be around people who mean a lot to me. i'll be doing a job that i think i'll enjoy working for a boss that i know and am comfortable around. i can get more involved with the Cru movement here at HPU from a different aspect as well as stay with the Journey. it just feels like so many things are falling together, and i'm not quite sure how to handle it. it makes me happy, but it also makes me anxious.

another side note: the winter olympics rock! i love snowboarding!

fat tuesday

tomorrow is lent and i've decided to give up three things: deep fried food, facebook, and skipping class. something from each aspect in my life in hopes to improve it.

it's not like i consume large amounts of friend food, or waste my whole day on facebook (atleast i haven't lately because it's been de-activated), or skip class all of the time. my thoughts behind this is that by removing these things from my life for the next 40 or so days i will be removing habits and temptations that go along with each thing.

for example: by not eating fried food i will eat healthier (maybe i should give up ice cream too...hmmm), by giving up facebook there will be less distraction from school work, and by not being able to skip class hopefully i will fight of my nagging senioritis. i feel like this is a good plan, just hopefully i'll be able to stick to it. which when thinking about it, this is kind of a sad and petty thought.

Jesus was in the desert for 40 days (i think it's 40 days. i'm horrible with knowing actual solid facts) without food or water. and yeah i know that He's Jesus and all and can do that without dying, it's not like i'm going to die without any of these things. it amazes me how hard it is for some people to stick to their lent promises. or that they'll go and make loop holes. one of my favorites is "i'm allowed to do/eat/enter whatever was given up for lent on sunday because it's sunday." no. no that's not how lent works. Jesus didn't come down off of the mountain on every Sunday and gorge himself only to go back up to start the process all over again.

but who am i to judge. who even knows if i'll be able to maintain these three...especially the skipping class one. and i think i've decided to add ice cream...

hey hey hey...goodbye...

i deactivate my facebook. it needed to be done. i was wasting way too much time on it and it was causing unnecessary drama and stress. i will elaborate more later.

Psalm 9:10

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 9:10

hmm. a lot to think about. so since my last post bid day happened, my birthday happened, getting into the flow of the school year happened, arguments with my mother happened, good conversations with project people happened...and so on and so forth.

so confession time: i don't think that i've been fully seeking the Lord since being back at school, and i think realizing that explains a lot about a lot of things that i've been concerned with. i've been feeling confused and lonely and no wonder right? i haven't been very good about keeping in the word, i haven't been trusting the Lord with my problems. honestly, i've kind of reverted back to my whole control issues, thinking that i can only allow the Lord to work in my life where i want him to. stupid silly me. who am i to say when God can and can't work in my life? and why would i even want to do that? i've been so consumed with trying to gain control that i have missed the beauty of God's love. of his control and of his glorious and ultimate plan for me.

i met with abby today and just talking things out with her helped me to realize a lot of this. she's also challenged me to smooth out some issues with people that i've been dealing with as well as share my faith with some of the new girls in the sorority. ahhh! scary! i'm excited though. i think that i need to be challenged. i wasn't challenged that much last semester, so it'll be good.

so i need to actively seek the Lord. he will reveal his plan to me on his time, not mine.

long time no see

i still fail at posting regularly at this. hopefully though after this week, which is formal recruitment week for all sororities on my campus, my schedule will settle down and i will be able to get back into a more normal routine, including updating this!

i'm doing this new devotional. i had to read this poem the one day and loved it so much that i thought i'd share:

i thank You God

i thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any~lifted from the no

of all nothing~human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ear awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~e.e. cummings

i'm also doing this thing called project 365 will i take a picture a day for a year. i tried to do it last year and failed, but i'm trying to be more disciplined this year with my daily routine and schedule, so i'm hoping for more success. i'm posting it here. i've been doing good so far!

i promise more updates after this week. :)