last train home...

i'm home for spring break, and part of me wishes that i wasn't. i always forget how stressful home is for me. my family is slightly dysfunctional and when we're all together in the same place it can get a little crazy and tension can be kind of high. it doesn't help either that i quickly run out of patience when it comes to my family. i guess i'm just so used to living away from them that when i am around them stupid little things get on my nerves, things that i used to be okay with but have become so accustomed to not having to deal with.

it's so strange being home too because i don't know when the next time will be that i'll be here. after graduation maybe, but it won't be for long since i start work june 1.

graduation. that's another crazy thing about being home. it feels like just yesterday i graduated from high school and was freaking out and a bag of nerves about college. now i'm about to graduate college. i'm an adult and i don't feel like it! my mom's making it worse too. today she must have brought up graduation and my future job/apartment hunting/anything dealing with the future about fifty different times. i know that it's hard for her and she's just trying to figure things out with me, but i don't like talking about things. i like to bury things away in a little box and only think about or deal with them when i absolutely have to, which i know is horrible, but it's what i do. talking about everything out loud with my mom means that it's reality, and i don't know if i'm ready to face reality yet.

it's stressful trying to figure out what my parents are going to bring down when they come for graduation, what furniture i'm keeping at home and what furniture i want in my apartment (which currently is non existent). i'm also hopefully going to buy a car while i'm home which is a whole other battle.

in all of this it's hard for me to remain focused on God and have comfort in knowing that he's with me through everything, every step of the way. it's so hard to consider different options and decisions like where do i want to live, who do i want to live with, am i buying a car now or later and still keep in mind that everything i'm doing is part of God's plan for my life. it's hard to find comfort in that right now. i know that when i look back on all of this in hindsight i'll be able to be like "oh yeah, now i see what God wanted me to learn from that." not gonna lie though, hindsight really stinks, especially when i want to know what the plan is now.

it's crazy though, the fact that i can't focus on God. in all of the craziness that is my life, God is the one constant. i think the reason that i get so frustrated with my mom is that i want her to comfort me and tell me that everything is going to work out and be okay, but in reality she's just as freaked out as i am, and it's not fair for me to expect her to always be able to comfort me. who should i turn to then? God. duh, scarlett. but do i? no. which is so crazy, because when i do take time to spend in the Word or journal my prayers and thoughts, i feel more calm about everything.

you would think that through all of this i would just learn to always turn to God and give all of my stress, all of my concern and worry to him, and just trust in him that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing. but i don't. it amazes me how consistently stupid and stubborn i can be. i really need to get over myself and accept that i can't know nor can i control everything.

i'm hoping that this week at home and free time to think will help me to refocus. to just hunger and dive into the Word, and for God to really reassure me that my life, what i'm dealing with right now, is not the worst thing in the world. i am going to survive.

random side note/fun thing: i was talking to simon tonight and he sent me this link for a poem about talking to God. note: there is some foul language...just thought i should throw that out there, but i think the message and theme of the poem are pretty awesome.