(insert state here) or bust!

my life feels like this picture. a bunch of puzzle pieces that don't quite fit together yet...

my brain is kind of exploding right now so i need to get all of this out.

basically i have no idea what my next move in life is. i think i want to go to grad school. scratch...i KNOW i want to go to grad school, the question now is where? i've started applications at iu and penn state to pursue a master's degree in communications theory, because ultimately i want to get my phd to be a professor. however hpu just announced (and i knew that this was coming, but i guess i never really thought about it) that the master's program in strategic communication is now accepting applications. and now it's like an annoying thought in the back of my mind. i don't know what to do....

i've never really been interested in strategic communication, but after working for a year, i've been thinking that i may enjoy working in public relations. but then i think about how it would probably mean another 9-5 office job, and i just don't know if i can do that. but then i wonder if it's doing something that i really love and enjoy, it wouldn't be that bad, would it? and even if i get my master's in strategic communication, that doesn't mean that i can't continue on to get my phd in communication theory does it? but do i really want to stay in high point? just the other day i was thinking how i need to get out of this town...so why the sudden change in heart?

however, on the other hand i've fallen in love with the program at iu. the topics of research that the professor's are interested in are on point with what i love. and i've been talking to alicia and she's thinking of staying in bloomington and we could live together and that would be amazing! i know that i would be in a great community, which is something that i've been missing. plus i just love iu's campus. it's beautiful. and bloomington is close to chicago...well, a lot closer than i am now.

and then there's penn state. i've grown up with penn state being shoved in my face just because i'm from pennsylvania. i also went to soccer camp there in high school and didn't like it. but they have a great program. and i'd be closer to home and closer to friends at home. and they have a great football program. i've really really missed football.

i know that i just posted that i know God has a bigger plan for me and everything, and i still know that. it's just frustrating when you think you know which direction you're headed and you're barreling ahead in that direction, and all of the sudden another road presents itself. i want a gps for life.




ORRRR do i want to go abroad and teach english??? like in south korea?

just another option that seems to be stalking me. like bombing my email....

bucket list additions

14. learn to drive stick shift (i'm like 85% there...i just need to practice)
15. go deep sea fishing
16. learn to snowboard....skiing's kind of boring

more to come later.

if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking...

i've been tossing around ideas for this post. inspiration will randomly strike me (like it usually does)  but it's usually at a really inappropriate or inconvenient time, so when i finally get a chance to sit down and write, i forget what i was going to say. therefore, for this post, i'm just going to type whatever comes to my head.  i'll warn you that there is a chance that it is going to be totally random and sporadic and not really make sense.  all i can say is, welcome to my brain.

these verses have been on my heart for a few days:

so we do not lose heart.  though our outer self is wasting way, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

~2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

first thoughts on why this verse has been on my heart:

• my job has been draining me. physically and emotionally. i've been exhausted and to the point of breaking emotionally several times this past week. i think i'm just tired. i'm tired of phonathon. tired of work. i need a break.  this makes me think of my "outer self wasting away." i feel like i am losing life. i'm not living life to the fullest. i find myself not doing things that i had planned or doing things that i want to do because i'm tired or because i have to go to bed so i can get enough sleep for work. i don't want to--okay in the middle of this post i got distracted and checked my work email and had to take care of some things with that, and now i forget where i was going with this bullet point. i believe i warned you that this would be random. i do believe the point i was trying to make was that even though i feel like i'm wasting away at my office job, i know that it's just one stepping stone in my life. it's preparing me for something bigger and better. something in my life that i know i will truly love. God has a bigger plan for me, and i can't wait to find out what it is.

• on the same note of God having a a bigger plan for me: for awhile i felt like God had very unceremoniously shoved me out of my circle of contentment that i had been in for pretty much my whole life.  i've never been the girl that feels like i need a boyfriend or a relationship to know who i am or to feel complete.  that probably comes with my overwhelming need to be independent and in control, but that's a whole other issue. anyways, i've always been fine with where i was in terms of relationships, but the past few months that feeling started to change.  i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i'm at the age where my friends are getting engaged and married.  i am not getting engaged. i am not getting married. and for awhile that kind of upset me. and for awhile i was obsessing over it and letting it consume me. however, the past few weeks pastor keith went through the ten commandments.  through his lessons i realized that this little obsession has (i say has because i feel as if even though i'm okay right now, it will continue to be a weakness and i can slip back into my obsession easily again) become a false idol in my life. that is obviously bad.  i've also realized that there are other things in my life that are demanding my attention.  things that God has put in my life for a reason.  things that i had been neglecting to be concerned with because my mind was wrapped around this other poisonous idea.  i know that this is something that practically every girl goes though. almost every girl wants the story book life. she wants to meet the man of her dreams and get married, live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah. what i don't understand is why we become obsessed with this idea when we do. yes, some of my friends are married/engaged.  and that's wonderful for them and i'm happy for them and wish them the best in the world. but why was i so concerned with that for my life? i'm only 22 years old! i have a whole life ahead of me! God has so many plans for me! it's so stupid that i get caught up and trip over this one thing. and who am i to think that i know better than God and His plan for me?

• so i feel like a lot of my posts have the same theme: discovering God's plan for my life. which brings me to another point of why the verse has been hitting home.  "for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." my light momentary affliction is that i don't know what i'm supposed to do next with my life. and i feel like the longer i wait to make a move, the smaller the doors of opportunity and chance are becoming. i have about three applications to three different grad schools started. i honestly could probably finish them in a week (aside from taking the gre). why are they not finished? i think because i'm scared of the outcome. i'm scared of not getting in. i'm scared of getting in and having to follow through with it. i scared of being accepted, going, and realizing that i've made the wrong decision and grad school wasn't what i was supposed to do. i'm scared of it being hard. i'm scared of having to move again. i'm, i'm, i'm....i need to get over myself and just do it. obviously i can't control what happens. but all of this anxiety is a momentary affliction. it is preparing me for eternity....

• bringing me to what i believe to be my last bullet point. eternity. Heaven. i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but i've only recently become really excited about Heaven. i mean obviously i've always wanted to end up there, but i've started to really think about it. i think that what triggered these thoughts was my heartache for my project family recently. i don't know what triggered it, but my heart has been hurting for my friends from project. recently i've been missing them a lot. missing the community we had on project. but Heaven will 100,000 X's better. my project family will be there. my family in high point will be there. it's going to be a big party. it's going to be great. and when i think about it, my heartache is replaced with joy. how can you not find joy in thinking about your family, your WHOLE family being in the same place together forever? you just can't...

and because this post was so random i just titled it with song lyrics, because let's face it, there was no central idea or theme going on here. as much as i tried, my mind has been so scattered lately that it just wasn't happening. since the concert, i've been mildly obsessed with their music, so i'll leave you with another david crowder band song. :)