if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking...

i've been tossing around ideas for this post. inspiration will randomly strike me (like it usually does)  but it's usually at a really inappropriate or inconvenient time, so when i finally get a chance to sit down and write, i forget what i was going to say. therefore, for this post, i'm just going to type whatever comes to my head.  i'll warn you that there is a chance that it is going to be totally random and sporadic and not really make sense.  all i can say is, welcome to my brain.

these verses have been on my heart for a few days:

so we do not lose heart.  though our outer self is wasting way, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

~2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

first thoughts on why this verse has been on my heart:

• my job has been draining me. physically and emotionally. i've been exhausted and to the point of breaking emotionally several times this past week. i think i'm just tired. i'm tired of phonathon. tired of work. i need a break.  this makes me think of my "outer self wasting away." i feel like i am losing life. i'm not living life to the fullest. i find myself not doing things that i had planned or doing things that i want to do because i'm tired or because i have to go to bed so i can get enough sleep for work. i don't want to--okay in the middle of this post i got distracted and checked my work email and had to take care of some things with that, and now i forget where i was going with this bullet point. i believe i warned you that this would be random. i do believe the point i was trying to make was that even though i feel like i'm wasting away at my office job, i know that it's just one stepping stone in my life. it's preparing me for something bigger and better. something in my life that i know i will truly love. God has a bigger plan for me, and i can't wait to find out what it is.

• on the same note of God having a a bigger plan for me: for awhile i felt like God had very unceremoniously shoved me out of my circle of contentment that i had been in for pretty much my whole life.  i've never been the girl that feels like i need a boyfriend or a relationship to know who i am or to feel complete.  that probably comes with my overwhelming need to be independent and in control, but that's a whole other issue. anyways, i've always been fine with where i was in terms of relationships, but the past few months that feeling started to change.  i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i'm at the age where my friends are getting engaged and married.  i am not getting engaged. i am not getting married. and for awhile that kind of upset me. and for awhile i was obsessing over it and letting it consume me. however, the past few weeks pastor keith went through the ten commandments.  through his lessons i realized that this little obsession has (i say has because i feel as if even though i'm okay right now, it will continue to be a weakness and i can slip back into my obsession easily again) become a false idol in my life. that is obviously bad.  i've also realized that there are other things in my life that are demanding my attention.  things that God has put in my life for a reason.  things that i had been neglecting to be concerned with because my mind was wrapped around this other poisonous idea.  i know that this is something that practically every girl goes though. almost every girl wants the story book life. she wants to meet the man of her dreams and get married, live happily ever after, blah, blah, blah. what i don't understand is why we become obsessed with this idea when we do. yes, some of my friends are married/engaged.  and that's wonderful for them and i'm happy for them and wish them the best in the world. but why was i so concerned with that for my life? i'm only 22 years old! i have a whole life ahead of me! God has so many plans for me! it's so stupid that i get caught up and trip over this one thing. and who am i to think that i know better than God and His plan for me?

• so i feel like a lot of my posts have the same theme: discovering God's plan for my life. which brings me to another point of why the verse has been hitting home.  "for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..." my light momentary affliction is that i don't know what i'm supposed to do next with my life. and i feel like the longer i wait to make a move, the smaller the doors of opportunity and chance are becoming. i have about three applications to three different grad schools started. i honestly could probably finish them in a week (aside from taking the gre). why are they not finished? i think because i'm scared of the outcome. i'm scared of not getting in. i'm scared of getting in and having to follow through with it. i scared of being accepted, going, and realizing that i've made the wrong decision and grad school wasn't what i was supposed to do. i'm scared of it being hard. i'm scared of having to move again. i'm, i'm, i'm....i need to get over myself and just do it. obviously i can't control what happens. but all of this anxiety is a momentary affliction. it is preparing me for eternity....

• bringing me to what i believe to be my last bullet point. eternity. Heaven. i'm a little ashamed to admit this, but i've only recently become really excited about Heaven. i mean obviously i've always wanted to end up there, but i've started to really think about it. i think that what triggered these thoughts was my heartache for my project family recently. i don't know what triggered it, but my heart has been hurting for my friends from project. recently i've been missing them a lot. missing the community we had on project. but Heaven will 100,000 X's better. my project family will be there. my family in high point will be there. it's going to be a big party. it's going to be great. and when i think about it, my heartache is replaced with joy. how can you not find joy in thinking about your family, your WHOLE family being in the same place together forever? you just can't...

and because this post was so random i just titled it with song lyrics, because let's face it, there was no central idea or theme going on here. as much as i tried, my mind has been so scattered lately that it just wasn't happening. since the concert, i've been mildly obsessed with their music, so i'll leave you with another david crowder band song. :)