in the past few weeks there has been a lot of throwage of my hands in the air...but more out of frustration then anything else. not because i want to dance around and sing like the song 'dynamite' talks about.
the past few weeks at work have been so extremely challenging. there have been some changes in the office and as a result i have gained more responsibility, which is good, it gives me a chance to prove myself in a way. on the other hand, i have been so stressed and overwhelmed with everything that i'm going a little crazy. some of the responsibilites that i have gained i just don't know how to fulfill. for example, i'm now in charge of managing this online community kind of thing that we have and creating registration forms and emails through it. well this community is not easy to manage. a lot of the things that i have to do involve some intense html coding. yes. i said it. html coding. um. so yeah. those of you that know me know that i do not speak nerd. i know the very minimal about html, and what i do know is only from my high school myspace days. needless to say, mentally, i have been challenged, pulled, stretched, and broken down on numerous occasions.
on top of dealing with learning nerd lingo at a very rapid pace, i've also had to juggle my old responsibilites, which have seemed to fall to the back burner on my priority list. there have been many days where i've just wanted to leave for lunch and not come back.
outside of work i'm still dealing with the issues surrounding the apartment and break in, insurance companies, police reports, and now my car has decided to go on the fritz. it feels like ever since i've officially become part of the "adult" world i've been slammed with one issue after another. there are moments that i just want to throw my hands up in the air and just scream, kick, and possibly cry. i want to yell that i don't want to be an adult, i don't know how to fix these problems, and i want my parents to make everything better.
i've been thinking about everything a lot this morning. what am i supposed to be gaining from all of this? what is God really trying to teach me? and the thing that i keep coming back to is that i am not in control of my life. not one part of it. not my work life. not my personal life. i'm not even in control of how my stupid car works. God is. he controls everything. EVERYTHING!!! it amazes me how many times i need to learn this. how many times does he have to show me this? i wish he could take a big sledge hammer and smash it into my brain. but i'm such a control freak. i feel like i need to control everything. I AM NOT IN CONTROL!
instead of throwing up hands up in the air in frustration, i need to throw them up to God and say, "i know i can't fix this, only you can....and you know what? i'm okay with that."
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