you know how your legs feel like jello after you've been treading water for a really long period of time? when you finally get to solid ground, you're so thankful, but it's also like you have to learn to walk again. your legs give out and can't support you. that's how i feel right now. i've been treading water (just barely) the whole month of february, and now i'm trying to find my footing again.
february came in with a bang. a student at hpu passed away. my car needed $575 in repairs. i didn't get into the graduate program at IU. my cat that i've had since second grade passed away. phonathon started. and my grandmother passed away. february is a short month, so the fact that all of this happened in the span of a short 4 weeks, it can be a little overwhelming, stressful, and quite frankly spirit breaking. what's crazy is that february wasn't difficult for just me, on top of all of my issues, i watched close friends deal with a roller coaster of events and emotions.
let me throw another analogy out there. all of this has felt like i'm being tossed around in the ocean. you know how there can be crazy and out of control waves after a storm? they're really tempting because they're a lot of fun, but if you're tired and lose your footing they kick your butt. they throw you around, keep you under, and barely let you come back up for air before there's another wave that's there to knock you down. february is this wave. it's a big bully and had me pretty close to drowning a few times.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.clearly this has been my time to be broken down, my time to weep (literally. i have cried more this month than i have in the past four years of my life), my time to lose, and really kind of my time for war. but what's crazy is that it's fine. i know that God's plan for my life is going to be wonderful beyond my comprehension, even if it doesn't seem like that now. once i get through all of this i will have my time to heal, laugh, dance, love, and have peace.
while all of this was going on a friend told me to listen to the song "give me faith." the first few lines spoke right to my aching heart. "i need you to soften my heart, to break me apart. i need you to open my eyes, to see that you're shaping my life. all i am. i surrender." that's exactly what God is doing right now. he's breaking me apart and forcing me to open my eyes to see that he is taking care of me. that he knows what's best. and that while i may think i know what my future should be and where geographically i should be, he still knows better.
but now february is over. and i'm ready to take on the month of march with a renewed and strengthened heart, and stronger spirit, and an open mind. i'm not tied to anywhere geographically. i'll be done my job may 31. there are a lot of things i could be doing and a lot of directions that my life could go. normally this "unknowing" and unpreparedness makes me nervous, but i have this strange peace about it. i think that i needed to be broken down to the point where i'd actually be willing to go wherever i'm called. i always said that i would go, but now i actually mean it.
so, i'm sopping wet, done treading water, and ready to be hung out to dry. (the inspiration for the title of this blog is thanks to the cold war kids song "hang me up to dry"). as always, i'll leave with some musical inspiration.
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