the suburbs (continued)

i caved and downloaded the new arcade fire album from itunes onto my work computer. it's great. i love it. it just made me realize how much i miss having my music library from my laptop.

buy anyways, i loved these lyrics from the last song on the album, "the suburbs (continued)," and thought i'd share:

if i could have it back, all the time that we wasted,
i'd only waste it again.
if i could have it back,
you know i would love to waste it again,
waste it again, and again, and again.
i forgot to ask.
sometimes i can't believe it,
i'm moving past the feeling again.

~arcade fire, the suburbs (continued)

sheer genius. go download it now. :)

hello september!

it's september...holy cow! in honor of the beginning of the lovely fall months i wore a brown dress to work. i'm hoping that this heat breaks and the crispness of autumn weather will be upon us soon. fall is my favorite season. i can't wait.

they've hired someone to fill the empty position in my office. PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!!! the past few months have been a struggle because of the absence of a person in the position, but starting september 20 that void will no longer exist. i'm so excited and relieved. i think that the overall atmosphere of the office will pick up...there won't be as much tension and everyone all around won't be as stressed. hopefully i won't be as stressed out and things will start to fall back to a less hectic pace. i'm praying that's what happens at least.

students are back and classes are in full swing. i thought that it would take me longer to adjust, but other then the first few days, i've been fine. there are still moments where it hits me that i'm not a student anymore, but overall i haven't freaked out like i thought i would. and that's a good thing.

kb's wedding was last weekend. oh my gosh it was the most beautiful wedding i've been to. it felt like it was out of a movie or a storybook or something. it was so traditional, but it was lovely.  it was also nice to see friends from project again. it makes me happy that we still keep in touch and have deep relationships, even a year later. i think that i'll be friends with them for life. :) we're getting a lot better at saying good bye too...but i haven't decided if that's a good thing or not yet.

my mom's coming down this weekend and i'm staying with her in raleigh. i'm so excited. i've missed my family a lot. and then next weekend my dad's coming down. it's funny how you don't really appreciate something until it's not really there anymore.

still reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller. i'm loving the book more and more with each page i turn.  here's a little excerpt and maybe you'll understand why:

i think to myself about the weight in my pack.  last night paul and i talked a bit about all the stuff that we carry with us, all the weight we walk around with, emotional baggage, thinking we need stuff we don't need.  we weren't getting very deep or anything, but i keep thinking about it, and how much stuff i walk around with, about how life is a dance and God just meant for us to enjoy life, not get bogged down in sin and religion.  just be good, it seems like, is the point of life; be kind to people; don't hate anybody; forgive people because we all make mistakes.  i know there are always going to be exceptions to this kind of thinking, but it seems like life would be better if we could just let go of the thought we need more and more stuff to be happy, more and more of the approval of others.

--donald miller, through painted deserts

great song.

Get Higher- The Paper Tongues

pretty awesome. check it out.

thoughts of a friend

one of my friends from project posted this on her blog. i loved it and wanted to share:

Don’t discount the place in which the Lord has You. Allow Him to teach you to be content with everything or with nothing. Remember, the END goal is to know Him. May the good times, the bad times, and the ehh times all draw you closer to Him.

--Joy Helfen

:) she's so wise.

through painted deserts

so i finally finished reading east of eden and am now on a new book. i decided to read don miller's through painted deserts. i'm only half way into the first chapter and i know that i'm going to love it. i just really like don miller. i get his sense of humor and love his writing style.  blue like jazz is one of my favorite books. 

anyways, the point of this post was to share a little of his writing. small excerpt from the author's note:

"the seasons remind me that i must keep changing, and i want to change because it is God's way.  all my life i have been changing.  i changed from a baby to a child, from soft toys to play daggers.  i changed into a teenager to drive a car, into  a worker to spend some money.  i will change into a husband to love a woman, into a father to love a child, change houses so we are near water, and again so we aer near mountains, and again so we are near friends, keep changing with my wife, getting our love so it dies and gets born again and again, like a garden, fed by four seasons, cycle of change.  everybody has to change, or they expire.  everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.

i want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die.  i want to keep walking away from the person i was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.

...i sometimes look into the endless heavens, the cosmos of which we can't find the edge, and ask God what it means.  did You really do all of this to dazzle us?  do You really keep it shifting, rolling round the pinions to stave off boredom? God forbid Your glory would be our distraction.  and God forbid we would ignore Your glory."

--donald miller, through painted desserts

mmm. okay. so maybe this excerpt wasn't really all that small, and i even left out a lot of it...but isn't it great? miller has such a way with words.

i think i also really enjoy this little excerpt because it applies to my life right now. shoot. it can apply to everyone's life.  we must be willing to change. we should crave change because God created us that way. 

i've been thinking about my future a lot lately.  what am i going to be doing this time next year? where do i want to go to grad school? what do i want to go to grad school for? am i even supposed to go to grad school?  not gonna lie, all of these thoughts scare me. i do not adjust to change really well. i'm an intj. i like order. i like system. and i like routine. any wrench that gets thrown into my machine of a life stresses me out.

i've been praying about the changes in my life a lot and i've really gained some peace through it.  my fear of change goes hand in hand with my need to be in control. actually, i feel as if all of my issues stem from my need to be in control. but i can't control change, and since i can't control it, i should just embrace it. don miller says it best.  i should want to change "because it is God's way."

i throw my hands up in the air sometimes...

in the past few weeks there has been a lot of throwage of my hands in the air...but more out of frustration then anything else. not because i want to dance around and sing like the song 'dynamite' talks about.

the past few weeks at work have been so extremely challenging. there have been some changes in the office and as a result i have gained more responsibility, which is good, it gives me a chance to prove myself in a way. on the other hand, i have been so stressed and overwhelmed with everything that i'm going a little crazy.  some of the responsibilites that i have gained i just don't know how to fulfill.  for example, i'm now in charge of managing this online community kind of thing that we have and creating registration forms and emails through it. well this community is not easy to manage. a lot of the things that i have to do involve some intense html coding. yes. i said it. html coding. um. so yeah. those of you that know me know that i do not speak nerd. i know the very minimal about html, and what i do know is only from my high school myspace days. needless to say, mentally, i have been challenged, pulled, stretched, and broken down on numerous occasions.

on top of dealing with learning nerd lingo at a very rapid pace, i've also had to juggle my old responsibilites, which have seemed to fall to the back burner on my priority list. there have been many days where i've just wanted to leave for lunch and not come back.

outside of work i'm still dealing with the issues surrounding the apartment and break in, insurance companies, police reports, and now my car has decided to go on the fritz. it feels like ever since i've officially become part of the "adult" world i've been slammed with one issue after another. there are moments that i just want to throw my hands up in the air and just scream, kick, and possibly cry. i want to yell that i don't want to be an adult, i don't know how to fix these problems, and i want my parents to make everything better.

i've been thinking about everything a lot this morning. what am i supposed to be gaining from all of this? what is God really trying to teach me? and the thing that i keep coming back to is that i am not in control of my life. not one part of it. not my work life. not my personal life. i'm not even in control of how my stupid car works. God is. he controls everything. EVERYTHING!!! it amazes me how many times i need to learn this. how many times does he have to show me this? i wish he could take a big sledge hammer and smash it into my brain. but i'm such a control freak. i feel like i need to control everything. I AM NOT IN CONTROL!

instead of throwing up hands up in the air in frustration, i need to throw them up to God and say, "i know i can't fix this, only you can....and you know what? i'm okay with that."

pressure! pushing down on me...

phew. it's friday. and boy am i thankful for that. this past week has been so challenging in so many different ways that it's a little bit ridiculous.  i know that it's God trying to grow me, but man...how much growth can a person take in one week?

i think that's kind of the beauty of everything that's happened.  through all of this God has shown me that i can handle more than i thought i could. work is challenging. i'm gaining more responsibility, which in one way is good, but in another it makes life more stressful.  i find myself thinking about work and things that i need to do for work in the middle of the night or on the weekend. i'm in a pretty good working environment, which makes things a little better. for the most part everyone in my office gets along and are nice to each other.  i may not always like the work that i have to do, but that's life, and i'm learning to deal with and understand that.

i'm also learning how to just deal with life and life situations.  it feels like i'm getting a crash course. get an apartment. pay bills. get a full-time job. learn how to deal with someone breaking in and stealing from you. learn how to deal with a difficult roommate. you know. the norm. ha.

there are so many things that i'm thankful for though as well. i'm so thankful that it was only material things that were lost. thankful that i have insurance that will cover the cost of the lost items. thankful that i have such loving and caring friends who have helped me through everything. honestly. my friends have been great.  bruce and becky let me and amy stay at their house the night we got back from the beach so i didn't have to worry about cleaning up right away. my boss has also been really understanding and caring, offering to help me out in any way that he can.

life's crazy. i feel like God's showing me that i'm not in control of anything. at all. simple as that. he is. and while i know that, i feel like i needed to be reminded of that, and in a big way. and while it stinks. i'm thankful. i needed it.

a friend shared these verses with me after hearing about everything:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

James 1:2-3

at the time i didn't fully appreciate the meaning behind the verses, but now i think i understand.  i am joyful. joyful that these events bring me even closer to Jesus. joyful that he tests me, but i still remain strong in my faith. yeah, the tests and trials may suck and be hard and test my patience to the extreme limit and further than they've ever been tested, but i know that it's good.

....but i can still be thankful that it's friday. PTL! :)