decisions decisions!!!

ahhh! today is payday!!! do i go to chicago? do i not go to chicago?!?!

i need to make a decision. and fast. airline tickets have already gone up from $250 to $280. i just don't know what to do...

if i go i won't be financially crippled...i'll just have to budget a lot better for the next month, which i've already started doing anyways. sooo...what's it going to be? i feel like i already know what's going to happen...it's just actually going through with that decision. this whole being grown up and making big time decisions is not fun. not at all.

life plan

new idea/inspiration for life plan.

• study for & take gre this fall
• finish out this year at this job. my contract ends may 31.
• go abroad and teach english for a year or do some kind of mission work. i would love to go to south korea.
• apply to grad school
• currently looking at roosevelt university in chicago...big surprise. but i can get a master's of science degree in journalism and concentrate in visual which focuses mainly on photography. pretty awesome.
• get a job that does not require me to sit at a desk from 8-5, where i don't have to dress up everyday (i'm okay with some dressing up, just not everyday), and where it's okay to have a nose ring.

who knows if this will all actually pan out. most likely not since this is my earthly plan and God usually throws a kink in my plans somehow. but we'll see...

apathy...

today marks the completion of my first full work week. yay? i guess?  i'm honestly not quite sure how i feel about it. it seems as if i'm going through the motions of life right now. i'm going to work. paying my bills. going through a daily routine, but i feel like i have no purpose behind any of it. i'm not saying that my new job is awful. it's actually pretty nice. i like the work atmosphere that i'm in. i like the people in my office. and i generally like the work that i'm doing...

...however, compared to what i was doing last summer, this summer is extremely lack-luster. last summer i knew that i was taking steps to make change in people's lives. my life was being changed. i was forming deep relationships and building those relationships every day. i'm not doing that right now. i miss that. i miss feeling like i'm doing things with an intense and definite purpose. i miss the deep and intentional conversations that i had every day last summer. i know i missed these things during the school year, but i think i'm missing them even more now because it's summer. and during the school year i had more community.

i'm trying not to slip into an apathetic slump. i'm trying to turn to God with this and see what i'm supposed to learn from this summer. how i can grow this summer. how i can deepen my relationship with him this summer. but it's hard. it's hard to tell my heart that this is what i'm supposed to be doing. it's hard to not slip down memory lane and keep my heart from aching and longing to be back in chicago.

chicago. some people are planning on making a trip to the city the last weekend of july. i desperately want to go. but i don't know if it's the smartest decision financially and heart wise. i'm not sure if it will be good for me to go back, especially if it's only for a weekend because i know i'm going to crave more time than that. more time with my friends. more time in the city...

heart-filled.

these verses have really helped my heart the past few days. i thought i'd share. :)

This God--his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.  "For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless. 

~2 Samuel 22: 31-33

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

 ~2 Corinthians 12:9 

 

home is where your heart is...

i don't know where my heart is right now. kinda all over the place i'd say. the weekend in indiana was wonderful. it was so great to see friends whom i haven't seen since the end of project. it was also so cool to witness the marriage of becca and will.

since being back i've just been bumming around. spending a lot of time in coffee houses so i have internet. right now i'm in winston salem at a coffee house with abby. i just feel kinda blah. i did not want to leave indiana. i hate that i'm so far away from so many people that i care about so much. it's rough.

it felt like leaving and saying goodbye to everyone this time was so much harder then it was in december. i'm not sure why. i think that maybe it's because i'm not longer in school. i have a job. i'm about to start a scary part of my life. a lot of them have at least another year of school and more flexible schedules so it's easier for them to travel to see each other. i'm stuck with a 9-5 job and a not so flexible schedule. i'm stuck in north carolina. over nine hours away from everyone.

i want to be back in indiana...or at least closer to indiana, somewhere in the mid-west. i think right now that's where my heart is right now...

here's the day you hoped would never come...

i go back to north carolina. i start a new chapter of my life tomorrow. i enter the 'real world' and start my big person job on june 1. i'm scared. as much as being home drives me crazy i love the comfort of it. i love spending time with my family no matter how much they get on my nerves.

i just really don't like change. this is a big change. a big scary change. big. scary. change. i know i can do it. i know that this is what i'm supposed to be doing. God has proved that to me on several occasions. however, that does not make it any less scary.

it's the final countdown...

i graduate from college in two days. man has the time flown by. i'm not going to get all emotional and sappy in this post. i'm not that kind of person. plus i'm still processing my feelings. but i did find this quote that i thought was extremely applicable to graduation.

"we do not understand the intricate pattern of the stars in their courses, but we know that He who created them does, and that just as surely as He guides them, He is charting a safe course for us." ~Billy Grahm