"you're wasting your time..."

...that's what my one roommate said to me after i told her that tonight for cru we did outreach and cleaned three of the frat houses on campus. i called her a jerk and refused to listen to her about her night class. she made a peace offering by giving me an apple chip. i accepted, but it made me think.

why did that comment bother me so much? maybe because i had just spent the past hour and a half mopping and scrubbing the gross basement floor of a frat house. maybe because it was hot and i was tired from driving back to school today and i didn't want to be told that it was all for nothing.  maybe it was because i was mad at myself for talking myself into even going to cru tonight because i always feel so awkward, no many how many times i go. maybe because i was mad about the instant reaction that spread across everyone's face when they found out what we were doing tonight, the instant judgment and disdain that was visible. or maybe it was because i was thinking the same thing myself...

"what a waste of time..." was one of the first thoughts that ran through my head when they said that we were going to clean the houses tonight. "they won't appreciate it." "they won't notice that we even did anything..." "why waste our time cleaning when they're just going to trash the house again this weekend...or wait tomorrow night?"

i don't blame my roommate for saying this to me, because honestly i was thinking it myself...

so why did i give in and spend time cleaning a gross frat house? why did i spend time cleaning up somebody else's mess instead of doing my homework?

because Jesus would. because how can i have my judgements about the cru movement here if i'm not willing to pitch in and help?  because i want to be like God, and God is a servant.  God wouldn't care that he stupidly wore flip flops and got his feet dirty.  God wouldn't judge the mess, wouldn't judge how it got there, wouldn't judge the people who made it. why should i judge? especially since i used to be one of those people...

it was strange cleaning the house.  it was strange seeing it empty and lifeless, without drunk people, loud music, and fog and flashing lights.  that's how i was used to seeing it. it's sad to think that those are the things that give the house life. that those are the things that give those people life. my heart breaks for them...even though it was bitter and resistant at first. my heart breaks because i know what it's like to live for the weekend and the 'life' that the weekend would bring. my heart breaks for the greek community on this campus.

i'm graduating. i have limited time to directly impact this community. but ptl because there are other greeks who are involved with cru who have the same heart as me. we're trying to start acropolis (the greek bible study) back up for next semester. i don't know what i hope for it yet. i don't know what to expect, but if the least we can do is something like what we did tonight, then i think we can slowly make an impact...Christ can work through those kinds of small things because who am i kidding, he's God.

landscape

in digital photography we're working on editing our shots for our next portfolio. i've run out of work to do because i still need to go shoot some things, so i figured i'd post some examples of what i've done so far.  one of the categories for our next portfolio is 'landscape.'

this first one is the field that's across the street from where our goats are.

this one is basically my back yard. there's a lot of fields where i live.  at first i didn't really like my shots for this set because i thought the fields were boring, but i've grown to like them through editing and just appreciating where i'm from. there aren't really fields here in high point.

i'm going home for easter and i'm not quite sure how i feel about it. i'm excited to see my family, but i know that it's going to be stressful because of my grandfather moving in... plus, basically two of the days of my break i'm going to be driving, so i'll only actually be home for three days.  it's just a lot of time traveling to not be at home that long.

however, i will be getting my car when i go home. and now i have an apartment, so i won't have as many things to worry about.  it's really comforting and amazing to see how things are slowly coming together. i had been having doubts about whether or not i was doing the right thing by taking the job at high point, especially because it seemed as if i was struggling to get things together, but God has provided for me, yet again. yet again he has proven to me that when i'm patient, he will pull through, and that things happen on his time and on his schedule, not mine.

how lucky are we to have such a gracious, forgiving, and loving God?

PTL!!!!

so thankful for the following things:

• franny pants is okay! so francesca, one of my roommates from project was rock climbing and fell 14 feet! crazy! she broke her leg pretty badly, her tibula and fibula. her tibula penetrated her skin. she had to get surgery and get a rod put in. but i talked to her and she's home and doing better. she's a trooper. i'm so glad that a broken leg was the worst thing that happened. i mean i know it still sucks, but it could have been worse.
• so i'm doing my senior seminar on the darfur crisis and how it was portrayed in the media throughout the world. doing research on it and learning more and more about everything that happened just makes me so thankful that i live in america and that i'm as fortunate as i am. i really am lucky. i take my life for granted.
• i got a project update from joy today! she was my student discipler after the staff left. it's so good to hear how she's doing and how the Lord is working in her life. i really respect her and her relationship with him. she's so mature in so many ways, and i really admire her for that. she was one of the first people that i got to know on project. i miss her.
• i got becca and will's wedding invitation today!!! (more project people.) i'm so excited for them! the invitation was so cute them and so becca. it had owls on it! it's so exciting that they're taking their relationship to the next level and that i get to see it happen. i'm also excited to see people from project. i just need to figure out how i'm going to get to indiana...

digital photography

i've realized that i enjoy shooting people a lot more than i enjoy shooting objects or landscapes or things like that. i think it's more fun to capture their personality though the composition or color or what they're posing with. this is my friend liz. the top one is the original and the bottom is my edited version. i had to shoot a study of a person as one of my assignments and she graciously agreed to pose for me with her car.

i wish you were here...

i woke up yesterday morning to take pictures of the sunrise for my digital photography class, and i was just struck by the beauty. it made me think of watching the sunset over chicago from navy pier, which made me nostalgic and miss project a whole lot. it's hard to believe that it's been seven months since project has been over. it's been awesome to hear from everyone how God is working in their lives and just continuing to grow them, which made me think about my journey with God and how far i've come.

at first it felt as if i was spiritually stunted, but thinking about it more i don't think it's stunted, i think that it's finally consistent. before project i think that i was just going from one spiritual high to another, and waiting for the next striking moment. but now i feel as if i'm finally at a comfortable, steady pace in relationship with the Lord, and it's really comforting.

i wish that all of csp '09 could get together again, and year after our last day together, and just talk about where we are in our lives, what the Lord has done for us, and where we see him leading us.

i feel like lately especially i've been having a lot of flashbacks to random memories from project, and i find myself laughing and smiling to myself. but instead of getting sad, i'm finally content, which i think just reflects everything else in my life. it's crazy how things are starting to come together. i feel like i'm at a good place in life. i'm content. :)

i'm a shipwreck...

I'm a shipwreck
A sailor lost at sea
You're a tidal wave
And you're crashing over me
Caught in your current but I'm sinking
I am drowning peacefully

Crying out come rescue me with love
Like a child needs a night light in the dark
Lord light me up I'm lovesick for just one touch
You're all I need but you never seem to be enough

~lovesick, tenth avenue north

"you're all i need but you never seem to be enough..." theme of my life.

i was on the phone with my mom tonight and afterwards i felt so broken and lost. i felt helpless because things with my grandfather are not going so well and my mom was emotionally worn and i couldn't do anything to help. and that frustrated me, which made conversation with my mom frustrating because we were both getting irritated by stupid things.

i finally took time and journaled, which i haven't done in a really long time. i don't know why i always forget how good i feel afterwards. i know it doesn't fix things, but it helps me to be honest with myself and to be honest with God. i mean he already knows everything, so i guess it's more just being honest with myself and letting God know that i'm being honest with myself. but anyways it feels good. it's refreshing. i'm just stupid and never give myself the time to do it. i'm determined to change that and try to journal every other night. as well as blog more.

i'm going to the scrap exchange with becky on saturday and i'm so excited! i love little random crafty things and this place is a treasure trove of little trinkets. i think it'll be good to get away from campus and everything here for a little, especially with becky and possibly kelly. they're good people, and that's what i need right now.

 

morning prayer

i follow james macdonald on twitter (yes, i finally caved and got one). this morning he posted a link to his blog which was a prayer for today. i thought i'd share.

My Prayer Today
Here’s a prayer I pray in some way almost every single day. When I don’t, I wish I had. Pray with me today . . .

Ephesians 5:18, “Be filled with the Spirit.”

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. I can’t fix yesterday, and tomorrow seems a long way off.
Today, Lord: Cleanse my heart from the fleshly residue of yesterday’s fallen humanity.
Today, Lord: Scrub my thoughts and motives till they shine with singularity – wanting Your glory alone.
Today, Lord: Wash me and I will be whiter than snow, purposed afresh to follow Your footsteps.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit today. The tasks ahead are too much. If I must go alone, I cannot go at all.
Today, Lord: I’m not smart enough to know what is best, and not strong enough to choose what is righteous.
Today, Lord: My wife, my family, my friends, my church . . . I am not sufficient for these things, and I know it.
Today, Lord: Or what unfolds in the hours ahead will fade into the abyss of worthless, wasted time.

Lord, fill me with Your Spirit right now. Come, make these 24 hours all You created them to be.
Now, Lord: You know how to ‘give good gifts’ and I am so thankful to be called Your child.
Now, Lord: By faith, I receive the Presence You’ve promised, and delight to know that Your Word is true.
Now, Lord: You are filling my life with peace and purpose and freeing my soul to sing.

Galatians 5:16, 22, “Walk then in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the desires of your flesh. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self control.”

i truly enjoy james macdonald's approach to Christianity and his method of preaching. it's just really easy for his style to resonate with me and for me to get the message that he's trying to teach. i'm so glad that he spoke at indycc because before then i had never heard of him.  he always asks deep and provoking questions and really makes me think and see things in a new light and at a different angle, which is something that i really appreciate. i like to be challenged in my way of thinking and in my faith.