babies!

so i meant to post these earlier but i only just uploaded them to my computer. when i got home on friday i had a lovely surprise waiting for me. one of my dad's goats, daphne, had babies! two healthy baby boys! they were so tiny and fun to play with. part of me misses this about being home. i miss spending time with my dad out at the animals. i forget how much i enjoyed 4-h and ffa. i learned so much through both clubs too. it was nice to spend some time re-connecting with my dad through the babies. raising the animals was something that we did together and i miss it.

last train home...

i'm home for spring break, and part of me wishes that i wasn't. i always forget how stressful home is for me. my family is slightly dysfunctional and when we're all together in the same place it can get a little crazy and tension can be kind of high. it doesn't help either that i quickly run out of patience when it comes to my family. i guess i'm just so used to living away from them that when i am around them stupid little things get on my nerves, things that i used to be okay with but have become so accustomed to not having to deal with.

it's so strange being home too because i don't know when the next time will be that i'll be here. after graduation maybe, but it won't be for long since i start work june 1.

graduation. that's another crazy thing about being home. it feels like just yesterday i graduated from high school and was freaking out and a bag of nerves about college. now i'm about to graduate college. i'm an adult and i don't feel like it! my mom's making it worse too. today she must have brought up graduation and my future job/apartment hunting/anything dealing with the future about fifty different times. i know that it's hard for her and she's just trying to figure things out with me, but i don't like talking about things. i like to bury things away in a little box and only think about or deal with them when i absolutely have to, which i know is horrible, but it's what i do. talking about everything out loud with my mom means that it's reality, and i don't know if i'm ready to face reality yet.

it's stressful trying to figure out what my parents are going to bring down when they come for graduation, what furniture i'm keeping at home and what furniture i want in my apartment (which currently is non existent). i'm also hopefully going to buy a car while i'm home which is a whole other battle.

in all of this it's hard for me to remain focused on God and have comfort in knowing that he's with me through everything, every step of the way. it's so hard to consider different options and decisions like where do i want to live, who do i want to live with, am i buying a car now or later and still keep in mind that everything i'm doing is part of God's plan for my life. it's hard to find comfort in that right now. i know that when i look back on all of this in hindsight i'll be able to be like "oh yeah, now i see what God wanted me to learn from that." not gonna lie though, hindsight really stinks, especially when i want to know what the plan is now.

it's crazy though, the fact that i can't focus on God. in all of the craziness that is my life, God is the one constant. i think the reason that i get so frustrated with my mom is that i want her to comfort me and tell me that everything is going to work out and be okay, but in reality she's just as freaked out as i am, and it's not fair for me to expect her to always be able to comfort me. who should i turn to then? God. duh, scarlett. but do i? no. which is so crazy, because when i do take time to spend in the Word or journal my prayers and thoughts, i feel more calm about everything.

you would think that through all of this i would just learn to always turn to God and give all of my stress, all of my concern and worry to him, and just trust in him that i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing. but i don't. it amazes me how consistently stupid and stubborn i can be. i really need to get over myself and accept that i can't know nor can i control everything.

i'm hoping that this week at home and free time to think will help me to refocus. to just hunger and dive into the Word, and for God to really reassure me that my life, what i'm dealing with right now, is not the worst thing in the world. i am going to survive.

random side note/fun thing: i was talking to simon tonight and he sent me this link for a poem about talking to God. note: there is some foul language...just thought i should throw that out there, but i think the message and theme of the poem are pretty awesome.

i am not my own...

so i realized that i hadn't elaborated on why i de-activated my facebook account the first time, and that i said that i would explain...so i guess here is said explanation:

facebook was taking over my life. as sad and as pathetic as that sounds, it's true. i found myself sitting on my computer late at night just randomly clicking and wasting so much time! completely useless! i was also getting caught up in drama that was being posted all over facebook and was getting upset by it. and then i realized that it was stupid that i was letting facebook have that much control over my emotions and mood, so i kind of snapped and de-activated it.

this semester has been kind of difficult for me in a lot of ways. i've been feeling distant and disconnected from phi mu, and a lot have negative thoughts have been on my mind, which never really happened before. i have zero motivation to do school work or go to class. i haven't been motivated to get in the word, or to even spend time with the Lord, which is just really bad...and disappointing. if i'm having all of the negative thoughts and feelings why wouldn't i turn to my Father for help? i've just been so overwhelmingly apathetic, which isn't me.

as stupid as it sounds taking a break from facebook has really helped me to refocus. i'm not checking it several times a day so i'm not faced with the drama, and i can honestly say that i don't really miss it. when i do get facebook back at the end of Lent, it will be more to use as a tool for communication rather than to consume massive amounts of time from my life.

i'm working on a year long reading plan for the Bible and i've started reading the Chronicles of Narnia, which i've never read. it's nice to take time to read some each night...time that any other time i would have wasted clicking aimlessly on facebook.

on a completely other note and update on my life: i will be staying in north carolina and in the high point area after graduation. i have a job. now i just have to work on an apartment, roommate, and car. i can't believe that i'm becoming an adult. ordering my graduation cap and gown was so surreal. i'm almost done with college! crazy!

i'm excited though. i'll get to still be around people who mean a lot to me. i'll be doing a job that i think i'll enjoy working for a boss that i know and am comfortable around. i can get more involved with the Cru movement here at HPU from a different aspect as well as stay with the Journey. it just feels like so many things are falling together, and i'm not quite sure how to handle it. it makes me happy, but it also makes me anxious.

another side note: the winter olympics rock! i love snowboarding!

fat tuesday

tomorrow is lent and i've decided to give up three things: deep fried food, facebook, and skipping class. something from each aspect in my life in hopes to improve it.

it's not like i consume large amounts of friend food, or waste my whole day on facebook (atleast i haven't lately because it's been de-activated), or skip class all of the time. my thoughts behind this is that by removing these things from my life for the next 40 or so days i will be removing habits and temptations that go along with each thing.

for example: by not eating fried food i will eat healthier (maybe i should give up ice cream too...hmmm), by giving up facebook there will be less distraction from school work, and by not being able to skip class hopefully i will fight of my nagging senioritis. i feel like this is a good plan, just hopefully i'll be able to stick to it. which when thinking about it, this is kind of a sad and petty thought.

Jesus was in the desert for 40 days (i think it's 40 days. i'm horrible with knowing actual solid facts) without food or water. and yeah i know that He's Jesus and all and can do that without dying, it's not like i'm going to die without any of these things. it amazes me how hard it is for some people to stick to their lent promises. or that they'll go and make loop holes. one of my favorites is "i'm allowed to do/eat/enter whatever was given up for lent on sunday because it's sunday." no. no that's not how lent works. Jesus didn't come down off of the mountain on every Sunday and gorge himself only to go back up to start the process all over again.

but who am i to judge. who even knows if i'll be able to maintain these three...especially the skipping class one. and i think i've decided to add ice cream...

hey hey hey...goodbye...

i deactivate my facebook. it needed to be done. i was wasting way too much time on it and it was causing unnecessary drama and stress. i will elaborate more later.

Psalm 9:10

And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 9:10

hmm. a lot to think about. so since my last post bid day happened, my birthday happened, getting into the flow of the school year happened, arguments with my mother happened, good conversations with project people happened...and so on and so forth.

so confession time: i don't think that i've been fully seeking the Lord since being back at school, and i think realizing that explains a lot about a lot of things that i've been concerned with. i've been feeling confused and lonely and no wonder right? i haven't been very good about keeping in the word, i haven't been trusting the Lord with my problems. honestly, i've kind of reverted back to my whole control issues, thinking that i can only allow the Lord to work in my life where i want him to. stupid silly me. who am i to say when God can and can't work in my life? and why would i even want to do that? i've been so consumed with trying to gain control that i have missed the beauty of God's love. of his control and of his glorious and ultimate plan for me.

i met with abby today and just talking things out with her helped me to realize a lot of this. she's also challenged me to smooth out some issues with people that i've been dealing with as well as share my faith with some of the new girls in the sorority. ahhh! scary! i'm excited though. i think that i need to be challenged. i wasn't challenged that much last semester, so it'll be good.

so i need to actively seek the Lord. he will reveal his plan to me on his time, not mine.

long time no see

i still fail at posting regularly at this. hopefully though after this week, which is formal recruitment week for all sororities on my campus, my schedule will settle down and i will be able to get back into a more normal routine, including updating this!

i'm doing this new devotional. i had to read this poem the one day and loved it so much that i thought i'd share:

i thank You God

i thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth

day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any~lifted from the no

of all nothing~human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ear awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

~e.e. cummings

i'm also doing this thing called project 365 will i take a picture a day for a year. i tried to do it last year and failed, but i'm trying to be more disciplined this year with my daily routine and schedule, so i'm hoping for more success. i'm posting it here. i've been doing good so far!

i promise more updates after this week. :)